Detroit Tigers

The first Tigers blog of the pre-season, baseball is just around the corner and I couldn’t be more excited about it.

But the Tigers have me a little nervous.

A quick look at the cons:

Igesias hasn’t played ball in a year.

Cabrera is returning from serious ankle surgery.

V-Mart is returning from serious knee surgery.

JD Martinez, Rajai Davis, Victor all had career years.

Avila had several concussions.

Scherzer is gone.

Porcello, one of their most consistent pitchers last year is gone.

Everyone is a year older.

A quick look at the positives:

Price will be here all year.

Verlander will have a full offseason to train (as if that will matter).

Soria will be in the bullpen al year.

Joba Chamberlain is back (that’s a bad joke).

Better athleticism in the outfield.

That’s about it.

The cons far outweigh the pros in my book. Normally I wouldn’t be worried but with the revamping Chicago did this offseason, and with KC going to the World Series last year, and with Cleveland so close the last two years it is hard to feel good about this team.

Prediction: 84-78, second place.

Blog

I never really got to that point of ‘sharing my life before you came around’ with my wife.

First off, we met when I was 22 and she was 20. So we didn’t have a whole ton of prior life to share. But before I met her I sure thought I had a lot going on. I was in design school, studying philosophy and art history on my own with my prior girlfriend, in a local band and into the local music scene much less than I thought I was. There was a jazz club on a rooftop in Greektown that my bandmates and I and other college friends would attend every Monday evening in the summers. I would spend a lot of time in the city taking photographs and documenting the state of the architecture and non-architecture. I had just spent some time in Europe taking classes. I would go to several concerts a year and watch dozens of films a week.

None of that life came with me when I started dating my wife. My band broke up; I got out of the local live music scene with it. I was done with school and was ready to be done with academics. Concerts got more expensive and less important to me. We did keep the film thing going, finding it something we had in common.

I have no real idea why any of that changed. I loved that little jazz club. It is probably still in service jamming away on Monday nights with a two drink minimum. I always told my wife I would take her there but I never have. I don’t go on photoshoots even though I got a new great camera last year. But even if I did, I have no idea if she would want to go. Local music can bite it for all I care at this point. I put far too much effort into that scene for a long time for it to matter to me now. I hope in earnest to revisit that scene with my own daughter or son and their own band in a decade and a half.

I went back to school. So I dragged my wife into what that is like for a couple years, but I never shared much because she wouldn’t even feign interest, and frankly, Architectural Theory? I barely understood it, how could she?

I tell her a lot about art projects in Detroit that I’ve seen, or how they renovated the cut a few years back and how we should bike ride down it. Hell, we live fifteen minutes away. And she always says she wants to do it, and I believe her. But we never do, we will never go, she will never experience those things with me.

I think mostly I’m to blame. I’ve experienced it and I’m too lazy to show it to someone else. Partially I doubt her interest level would be higher than tolerated, only increasing my laziness. And partially it is her big family. There is almost always something to do, especially in the summer, and boredom is the reason I discovered half of the things I was into before I met her.

And to be completely fair, she has gone with me to Cliff Bells twice.

Blog

I’ve never won anything in my whole life.

I never won a music recital, hell I never even entered one.

I never won a sports championship.

I never won a talent show.

I never won a battle of the bands.

I was never first in anything, school, sports, life.

That’s not to say that I necessarily lost all of those things either. I just floated around mediocrity. I learned from an early age that competition was not something that drove me like it does with some people. And that I was more comfortable as the observer of greatness rather than the owner of it.

When I got to college I often worked with other people on their projects before I even began to think about my own. My many sleepless nights are more attributable to helping a friend find his or her way than putting grueling hours in on my own work. And if my work suffered for it, I didn’t mind much. I worked in this way so much that often after the professor would leave I would make my rounds to people I knew would want to get my perspective.

The competitive kids in class devoted all their time to their projects, and I devoted all my time to their projects too. I always did well, finished with 4.0’s in my studios but I never won honors (as the best project in the class). I’m not sure I would have anyways but having the drive to have the best project couldn’t have hurt.

I don’t regret it at all. It gave me my first inkling that I might want to teach. Professors noticed my helping role and sometimes asked me to sit on the critique panel for their other classes, which I enjoyed immensely.

When I got to Grad School, I studied history and theory because I believed it was a course to teaching, an idea I got from my position in undergrad. I would often find myself walking through the studios eager to help a fledgling student, which never happened. Not even once. I think they viewed me as a dinosaur and couldn’t understand what I might bring to the table.

Maybe the competition had raised that much in my few years away from school. Maybe my help was never that useful in the first place.

0 views
Blog

I have spent my whole life waiting for something to happen to me.

When I was in rock bands I waited to be discovered.

When I was in design school I waited for a professor to have to have me work for him.

When I started working I waited to move quickly up the ranks and be taken under the wing of a superior to be groomed into a leading position.

None of those things happened, of course. Life isn’t a movie, and even if it was, I was never the one talented enough to be lavished with attention. Not the lead role. I’m more supporting cast type.

I realized recently that I can start my own webpage and write a blog for cheap. And it is possible that people will read it and I will gain some notoriety from it. But most likely not. Most likely it will work as a living journal to get out some of my ideas and make me feel better about the fact that I’m living on a five star cruise ship stuck at port.

I haven’t decided yet if that is okay or not, but I have decided there isn’t much I can do about it.

Some days this blog will be dark and some days hopefully amusing and some days uplifting but always honest.

Bipolar Thoughts

My mood has suddenly changed.

Just yesterday I had a lot of energy and worked a lot on the website. I am currently changing over servers from WordPress.com to Bluehost while still hosting WordPress. I will be able to do a lot more on this site and it will work well for our podcast that we will launch soon.

It has been a tedious process to say the least. And very frustrating. But I think I finally got it figured out and in a couple weeks I will move my site over to Bluehost and everything will be cool from there on out.

But the frustration has been unbearable at times. Klonopin has been my best friend and so has been being away from my immediate family.

And while this has been the biggest trigger for me but there have been signs this was coming. I always cycle down after being manic, which I was for a couple weeks. I have also been scared at the prospect of starting the podcast. I have been wracking my brain for ideas to try and make it fun and interesting, instead of boring and something more than just my friends will listen to, or at least feign too.

I feel like this blog was a bad idea. My parents have failed to mention it to me, whether they read it or not. This bothers me to no end.

I have gotten a lot of positive feedback over this blog, mostly from friends but also some search engines and the bipolar community on WordPress. It has been great so far.

I’m thinking of going to a daily blog format instead of three days a week, just toying with the idea. The most important thing to me is content. I want to maintain a high level, for me, quality of writing and content.

Hopefully you find this blog inspirational, fun, and an outlet to whatever emotions are eating at you.

Blog

Growing up I always thought that the goal of life was growing up.

I wouldn’t say I rushed through my childhood or high school or anything of that nature. But I just always looked forward to the day when I was older and had a career and was part of society.

And in the meantime I missed the only thing until now that I’ve been good at and comfortable doing: academia.

I wish I could stay in academia forever. But it is expensive and has diminishing returns for the career field.

The real world is fun for some people, but I don’t find it very stimulating. The types of conversations I like to have are academic in nature. The types of ideas I like to think about are esoteric.

I still read quite a bit, when I have time. But I’m not very good at analysis. I need an instructor for that. I’m not a type to get a college education at a library. Beyond that, my book selections have turned from philosophy and architectural theory to sci-fi and children’s classics.

Growing up has been a big disappointment for me, the biggest in fact. I haven’t been very good at it, I haven’t adapted to it well, and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin as an adult. Most of the time I still feel like a kid, high school age, maybe early 20s. It saddens me when I look back at pictures from those times and I realize how far from that life I really am. I certainly don’t feel this old and bloated.

I miss the days of band practice and hacky sack. I’ve traded them in for wet wipes and diapers.

Bipolar Thoughts

I’ve been manic for about a week now.

People might wonder how I know I’m manic or what it feels like. For me, it is an unusual amount of energy and creativity, coupled with reckless decision making, and most jarring is an inability to stay sitting down for more than a few minutes.

Now I have never suffered from severe mania, I go through low-grade mania or hypomania. And I take Lithium to stop that from spiking into something more dangerous.

But I can tell you a few things about this bout with mania. I got the idea to start my own website and a blog, bought an expensive laptop to help me do it, wrote thirty blogs complete, and started about a dozen more, agreed to start a weekly podcast, barely gotten a full night of sleep even though I’m dropping a Trazadone, Ambien, and Klonopin to knock me out, got drunk alone in my house just once, didn’t eat breakfast or dinner for five straight days, and couldn’t sit through a single half hour sitcom with my wife for a week.

I’ve never done any kind of “uppers” before, but I’m told by several people that cocaine is a similar experience to being manic and not even ‘that’ manic, just average.

And thankfully, due to the Lithium, this wasn’t too bad. At least I was able to channel my energy in a positive fashion and I’m hoping that the pursuance of these creative ends will mellow my next wave of depression, which if history dictates, should be right around the corner.

One positive side-effect of being manic is that while your thoughts are racing through your head, if you can slow them down enough to focus on one or two they tend to be positive. They can be destructive, like ‘hey let’s drink’ or ‘go buy that useless thing’ or even much worse. But they can also be very inspiring like ‘hey you can build that thing’ or ‘that idea you had one time was brilliant, let’s make it happen’.

They say people with bipolar tend to start a lot of projects and finish none of them. We get in cycles of manically inspired ideas and depression killed goals. It is easy to do. One day your brain tells you something is a great idea and the next your brain is telling you that you are too worthless to even attempt it.

It is a struggle, and while I am still a little up right now, I hoping to make these projects stick.

Blog

This morning I found myself staring at my daughter, standing in the doorway of the bathroom, staring at me while I was peeing.

It was incredibly awkward for me but fascinating for her, as her look of surprise and excited “OHHHHHHH!” noise she was making was telling me.

I was just happy she didn’t come in nearer.

We baby proofed the house. We put cabinet locks on all the cabinets but one; she loves to play with pots and pans. We put corner guards on corners, and blankets over the open slate of the fireplace. We watch whatever she does and try to keep her out of harm’s way even though she is dead set on hurting herself.

But I suppose we are still learning to baby proof our lives. Little things like closing the bathroom door all the way so any toddler strolling along can’t push open the door.

I find some of the biggest things are some of the little stuff no one tells you about. How difficult it is to cook dinner, take a shower, shovel the driveway or cut the grass. My daughter is at a stage that requires constant attention. She is walking but not well enough to protect from really hurting herself if she falls. Either my wife or I have to be with her near constantly, watching her alone is a full time job.

I am constantly in wonder of people with three or four kids. Just the logistics of dinner or bedtime makes my stomach churn. I suppose the reality is that you do learn to baby proof your life. I suppose I probably am better at it now then I was a year ago, but it doesn’t feel like it.

People talk about expense of having babies, but to me, it’s time that is the real problem.

Time and having a little human watch you pee in the morning.

2 views
Blog

I will try to upkeep a schedule of posting every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, at least one post per posting day.

Quick update on tonight. I left work an hour early due to severe anxiety and came home and swallowed 6 mg of Klonopin, bringing my daily total up to seven. It wasn’t a pleasant experience. I just laid down and went to sleep. I woke up hungover.

That was my day today.