I’ve been manic for about a week now.
People might wonder how I know I’m manic or what it feels like. For me, it is an unusual amount of energy and creativity, coupled with reckless decision making, and most jarring is an inability to stay sitting down for more than a few minutes.
Now I have never suffered from severe mania, I go through low-grade mania or hypomania. And I take Lithium to stop that from spiking into something more dangerous.
But I can tell you a few things about this bout with mania. I got the idea to start my own website and a blog, bought an expensive laptop to help me do it, wrote thirty blogs complete, and started about a dozen more, agreed to start a weekly podcast, barely gotten a full night of sleep even though I’m dropping a Trazadone, Ambien, and Klonopin to knock me out, got drunk alone in my house just once, didn’t eat breakfast or dinner for five straight days, and couldn’t sit through a single half hour sitcom with my wife for a week.
I’ve never done any kind of “uppers” before, but I’m told by several people that cocaine is a similar experience to being manic and not even ‘that’ manic, just average.
And thankfully, due to the Lithium, this wasn’t too bad. At least I was able to channel my energy in a positive fashion and I’m hoping that the pursuance of these creative ends will mellow my next wave of depression, which if history dictates, should be right around the corner.
One positive side-effect of being manic is that while your thoughts are racing through your head, if you can slow them down enough to focus on one or two they tend to be positive. They can be destructive, like ‘hey let’s drink’ or ‘go buy that useless thing’ or even much worse. But they can also be very inspiring like ‘hey you can build that thing’ or ‘that idea you had one time was brilliant, let’s make it happen’.
They say people with bipolar tend to start a lot of projects and finish none of them. We get in cycles of manically inspired ideas and depression killed goals. It is easy to do. One day your brain tells you something is a great idea and the next your brain is telling you that you are too worthless to even attempt it.
It is a struggle, and while I am still a little up right now, I hoping to make these projects stick.