I got to rock my daughter to sleep tonight for the first time in what feels like ages.
It used to be that this was my nightly task; one that I enjoyed immensely. But, as I believe I have mentioned in other postings, Jocelyn and I are not best buds right now. She doesn’t want much to do with me and I cannot figure her out.
So, my wife has taken up the nightly task of putting her to bed, and I have worked mainly on this website as a substitute.
There are a lot of moments with my daughter when I am actively trying to remember the event. I have no idea if this is possible, but I am just thinking in my head “please don’t let this be the one you forget” over and over. A lot of those moments have occurred while I have been rocking her to bed. I will focus on the way her head is bobbing, or the way she smells, or her little hand on my belly. And every time I will think to myself “Don’t forget this moment, ever”.
Tonight while I was rocking her she went out very quickly. I rocked her for probably fifteen minutes beyond when she needed me to rock her for her to bed easily. And the entire time I was trying to remember every time I told myself not to forget.
Most of the moments blended together, at least the rocking her to bed ones. I can remember a few specifically, but out of the hundreds it is only a handful. The rest of the moments are still pretty vivid, she is just barely beyond a year in age.
But what freaks me out is that I don’t know, and I’ll never know, which of those moments that I pleaded with myself to never forget, are already forgotten.
I’m sure some things will come back to me. Jocelyn will one day have a younger sibling and I’m sure the similar experiences will revive memories lost. But I want them now. I want them right now as this writing is making me overly emotional and nostalgic. But I cannot have them all. Some are gone and that is simply the way that it is.
I’m just glad I still have so many I can hold onto now.