Pretending to Amuse

We recorded another episode of the podcast today and purchased our hosting site.

We are working on final edits and waiting on some artwork to come in and we will have the first episode on iTunes and Stitcher pretty soon!

Bipolar Thoughts

I think one of the only things I retained from third grade was that March was known as the “Lion and the Lamb” month. So given its name because it either enters like a lion or a lamb and exits as the opposite.

I don’t know if it is known as this in other parts of the country, but here in Michigan it is generally true. It usually enters like a lion, like this year. Frigid temperatures, snow and ice storms, wintry mix falling out of the sky. And it leaves like a lamb, temps in the 50s, snow melting or gone, no storms on the horizon. Sometimes it’s different. Sometimes it can be bright and sunny and not windy which makes the cold not so bad to start the month, and we end it with tons of rain or perpetual cold weather.

It reminds me of my mind, especially this time of year. Sometimes it is a lion, flooding my brain with suicidal thoughts, crippling my ability to get things done or even get out of bed for entire days at a time. Sometimes the lion races through my thoughts, making it impossible to focus.

And yet sometimes my brain is the lamb. Letting me get good sleep, think happy thoughts, and be productive in life.

I wish my brain worked like March. I knew both were coming and once I got past one I could brace for the other. But it doesn’t. My brain’s calendar is scattered and confused. And while there may be a pattern to its activity I have yet to unlock it.




We have had a lot of dinnerless nights since Jocelyn was born.

And even more cereal for dinner nights.

Usually when my wife doesn’t feel like cooking, because she is too tired from raising our daughter, or cleaning our house, or making sure our lives are in order, and doesn’t want to eat take out, so we go dinnerless.

It’s not that I don’t cook. I do, I enjoy it actually. But I’m not great at it. It is a little different in the summer when I am looking for a reason to fire up the grill, but the phenomenon still happens then as well.

Sometimes it is not about cooking at all. It might be that bath night got paired up with bad traffic day and Jocelyn is in a bad mood because she refused her afternoon nap, and she puked in the car on the way home, and wants to go to bed right around 7:30.

7:30pm, the perfect time to quickly decide if dinner is happening or not. We don’t stay up late; generally bed around 10pm so eating much later than 8 can be uncomfortable. And depending on how frustrated you are from everything that happened that day, not eating anything seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Sam will usually not skip altogether. She will eat a bowl of cereal or leftovers. I am much more likely to skip altogether. I generally eat pretty well at lunch, and based on my figure, I can go without a few times without much harm.

It sounds like a perfect storm has to come together to make this happen, but it happens more often than you would think. Obviously we are still in the stages of learning how to be parents, and time management might be the biggest trick of them all.

I’m sure one day we will figure it out, we will have to. One day Jocelyn will be eating what we eat for dinner so it will have to be cooked for her. No choice there.



People forget that when you’re 16, you’re probably more serious than you’ll ever be again. You think seriously about the big questions – John Hughes

When I was 16 it seemed like all me and my friends did was think about the big questions. We would sit and commiserate about our lack of skills and goals and understanding.

A lot of the time big questions would come out of profound moments of nostalgia or melancholy. Sitting around a couch in a basement listening to some obscure record, or at least we thought it was obscure, talking about life. We spent more time talking about life than doing anything else.

The comedians of the group, a role which most of us took up the mantle from time to time, would break the chill with a well-timed one-liner. Those less interested would talk about movies, maybe even a Hughes film. And the even less interested would be trying to find a way to make out with someone.

It was never a whole group activity. Just a small group on the couch or in the hacky-sack circle. To be honest, most of these talks happened directly following band practice or a show. It was a connection I had with very few people but I really enjoyed.

I feel less deep now, or maybe I know I never was. I almost never consider big questions these days. I guess too many little questions get in the way, or my brain figured out the answers I was seeking before.

It worries me because I know a lot of great art was made in the pursuit of knowledge of big questions, but to be fair that isn’t a recent phenomenon. I just, I still want to care like I did. I still want to have the wonder I had. I still want to need my imagination on a daily basis.

My heroes were Dylan, John Lennon and Picasso, because they each moved their particular medium forward, and when they got to the point where they were comfortable, they always moved on. – John Hughes


Bipolar ThoughtsBlog

I’ve seen this done in other blogs but thought it was interesting enough to do here.

If I could clone myself in two other people, so there would be three of us, what would I have each of them do.

First is easy, clone one goes to work for me. Handle that 8-5 shit and bring home a paycheck. At the end of the day do all the tasks that need attention around the house. Fix lightbulbs, paint, re-shingle my garage, whatever. If there is none of that, then cool just hang out.

Second is a little harder because it determines what you will be doing. Second would be sent off to culinary school and learn how to be my personal chef. My wife loves to clean so I don’t really need help in that department, but cooking would be fantastic. And on days that I want to grill up a steak or smoke a pork shoulder then cool, take a day off.

And me, I would like to say I would work full time on my blog and podcast, or go get ripped up at the gym for hours a day, but I’m not sure I would spend any more attention to those things then I do now. I would play guitar more, for sure. And I would get more serious about working out. And I would produce better quality blogs because I would have time to, you know, edit them and stuff.

But ultimately I think I would binge watch TV most days, or get really into finding obscure music. Maybe once a week in the summer I would go for a photoshoot somewhere interesting. And honestly, I would probably let my depression really settle in deep. Without anything to do, it is easy to stay hidden in your bed with the covers shading you from the world.

I guess this exercise teaches you what you want out of life, and if that is true, I want very little out of it.