Pretending to Amuse

Hello all! You may notice a few things going on around the site as we prepare for the launch of our podcast Pretending to Amuse. Most of this stuff will go back to normal as soon as we figure out a few bugs.

Thanks for the patience.

The podcast launches tomorrow!

Bipolar Thoughts

I don’t get a lot of side effects from my medication.

Weight gain is quick, much faster than when I am not on medication, but it is controllable if I ate a better diet.

There are some libido issues that I feel adversely affect my marriage at times, but my wife understands.

Sometimes I find it hard to use the bathroom. But it doesn’t last more than a couple days.

My already dry psoriatic skin can flare up, and is particularly bad right now.

A couple years ago when I started the meds I am on now I would get shakes and tremors and had sloppy hand-eye coordination. Ask my brother in law who had to deal with me throwing Frisbees sideways for about two months.

But my doctor has worked really hard and has a great understanding of the medications and has eliminated or at least made everything manageable.

There is really only one side effect that really bothers me, even though it doesn’t make much of a difference in my daily life, and that is decreased memory. Lithium is known to decrease memory, and add mental fuzziness. It has this effect on me.

I used to have a great memory and now it is below average. It isn’t terrible but it is more than noticeable. I often tell my boss that I can’t remember the answers to his questions. I have to write everything down now or keep an email record of it.

I dunno what I would do if I was still in school. The ability to pull a reference is crucial in design school, especially when you are studying history and theory like I was.

Sometimes I am perfectly clear and have no issues at all. Some days I can’t recall anything to save my soul. I’m not sure how that works but it makes me feel like an old man at times.

I posted awhile ago about wanting to remember everything about my daughter. This is the reason I am so worried about it. I have no idea what long term effects this will have on my memory, but I know what it is doing now and it doesn’t feel good.

I just want to be able to remember most everything like I used to but I doubt I will ever get back to that point. For now, I guess, I just have to make the best of it. Even if I won’t remember how it went by.


In the most recent episode of SModcast, Kevin Smith said something rather profound, and I’m sure he meant it that way.

First, let’s get into SModcast. If you listen to podcasts and like to listen to comedy podcasts, this is probably the best one out there; especially if you are a fan of Kevin Smith’s movies, even just a couple of them. My friend turned me onto SModcast awhile ago and in the time since I’ve listened to a couple hundred episodes, they are almost all hilarious and even the serious ones are still very entertaining. Go check it out, it is awesome.

Okay, so now back to the profound statement. He said something to the effect of: ‘no matter who you are, or where you are at in your life, someone is looking up at your life and thinking you have it all’.

It is an easy statement to say that we look up to rich people or people that we think have it figured out and want what they have. Of course we do that. But he made the point of saying that even people that society deems as lowly have people looking up at them. It is hard to be at the bottom of everything, right?

It made me wonder if people have ever looked at me that way. I wonder if anyone has envied me for the life that I live. I can see many things in my life that others wish they had. I have a nice home in a nice city, drive a nice car and have a nice job, I have a beautiful, caring, supportive wife and family, I have the cutest baby girl on the planet, I play an instrument, I am smart and have a college degree, and someone out there might envy this website or my podcast.

We all know the obviously negative things about my life so I won’t get into that. But those things make it hard to believe anyone, if they knew the whole story, would envy me. Maybe this blog has changed some opinions of me in ways I didn’t intend. If it has made me less enviable, then good; I don’t want to be anyway.

Maybe that is the point. If we knew the whole story for anyone’s life, we wouldn’t take it over our own lot. But since we don’t know the whole story, everything seems rosy.

I think his statement simultaneously makes me feel good about my life and the reasons I have for someone to envy me, and bad that someone would look at me and actually want to be me. We should all want to be who we are, and we should all strive to be who we are on a daily basis.