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I always believed that I would be a person who made a locally major impact in the world. I never had dreams of global dominance or anything, but I always thought I would be someone important in my community. Someone people looked up to, someone people wanted to talk to.

And I can’t help but feeling that that is all but gone now.

I mentioned during my fat post that I had a few obsessions related to my disease. Body Image was one, this is another, success.

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Blog

I have a hard time believing that people care about me, and I have an even harder time trusting them when they say they do.

I don’t know what it is about me but I have always felt that I am of very little concern to anyone around me, including my family and close friends. I honestly feel that maybe three people in my life truly appreciate and love everything I am.

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Bipolar ThoughtsBlog

I will have to take a bit of a hiatus from the website.

I am being admitted into an inpatient psych ward to begin my ECT treatment talked about in a previous posting.

I will be back soon, hopefully very soon.

Take my time away as time to reflect on what this blog has meant to you, from entertainment to inspiration and maybe read a few old blogs you might miss fondly.

See you all on the other side.

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Detroit Tigers

I’m not going to run this blog like I ran my sports blog a few years ago, that is, I’m not going to break down everything very heavy in stats to make my point.

Baseball talk will be limited to just that, a chat you have with your friend about baseball. I will throw in some statistical analysis every once in a while to help my sanity, but I won’t go crazy.

So the first couple weeks of the season are coming to a close and the Tigers look like one of the very best teams in the Majors. I don’t think this is a mirage, I think they will finish the season with another trip to the post-season. However, don’t be surprised when the hot streak goes cold for a lengthy time period, much like last year. Although, I don’t think they will repeat that futility either.

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Bipolar Thoughts

I recently had a suicide attempt, on my birthday, with a belt and a door jamb. I failed because I couldn’t handle the immense pain associated with this type of activity. I feel like a failure, and a wimp, but I suppose it is a good time to be both of those.

Anyway, the fallout came quickly and harsh. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist and told him about the event. He immediately suggested Electroconvulsive Therapy.

We had talked about it in the past, and we came to the conclusion that if I suffered another major setback that would be the plan. My depression is stubborn, very resistant to drug therapy. And I have made little progress in the last two years.

So now this is the plan, ECT.

Blog

When I was in college I decided that all I wanted in life was to be an architectural designer. I didn’t care much about getting registered as a licensed architect, I didn’t care much about learning the industry, I just wanted to design, and I felt like I was the type of person who would be a good designer. I had an understanding of design, of history, of theory, of current trends, of structural engineering, and a desire to learn more about all of those things.

When I got my first job in architecture, I was put in a position to design, almost exclusively. And I loved it. My job was incredible and eye-opening and wonderful and I wouldn’t have traded the experience and my time there for anything.

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