Bipolar Thoughts

Most of the time I feel like I don’t actually have any mental health issues and I have been fooling my doctors and therapists for years.

It could happen. I know enough about the diseases from which I suffer that I could fake all the symptoms, say the right things and get the diagnosis I want. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember if I really felt a certain way or if I read it in a book somewhere. It is hard to guess if I feel how I do because I’m supposed to or because I really do.

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Blog

I turn 30 today and the last couple weeks have not been a good experience for me thus far.

30 seems old. Much older than me. How could I possibly be that old?

I think I have posted in this space before that I feel like I’m still in high school, maybe 20 years old. That is a long way from 30. The funny thing is that I never felt I was younger than I was until I was probably 24. When I was in college I didn’t feel like I was still in high school. When I was in high school I was never shocked by what year I was in.

Blog

I have submitted my blog to two bipolar blogging networks: Psych Central, and the Bipolar Blogger Network, in hopes of increasing my readership and expanding my reach.

I believe I have what it takes to make a difference in these communities and hopefully they let me in.

I’ll be excited over the next week to hear back.

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Bipolar Thoughts

I’m very suicidal lately. It comes to me when I’m laughing, when I’m upset, when things aren’t going right, when things are going perfectly. It comes both in dreams and when I’m awake, sometimes even in day dreams.

The two most popular incantations of the thought are when I’m driving and I just drive my car off a bridge or overpass, unbuckled, airbag turned off. Or sometimes into the lake, even though I’m terrified of drowning.

The second much more reasonable thought is that the next time I am around a gun I would ask to look at it and shoot myself in the head. Quick and easy.

Bipolar Thoughts

Easter weekend was a lot of fun this year.

On Good Friday I recorded two episodes of my podcast. We have spent the last month recording additional podcasts so if we need to skip during the summer we can do that and still put out content. It has been fun but challenging to generate content for two hours a week. I think it also fast tracked us to finding our voice and flow and the show is beginning to sound polished before we even touch it in editing. You guys won’t experience that for another month or so but that is how it works. Next week we start recording a single episode per week and while I’m sure my wife will be happy about that, I don’t think either myself or my co-host is looking forward to the turn down.

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Detroit Tigers

Well I went to Opening Day, my 16th straight, courtesy of my father, and it was a lot of fun.

We left around the same time as usual, between 8:15 and 8:30, only when we arrived at the ballpark there was no parking to be found. This was mainly due to the M-1 light rail project closing off a few of the bigger lots north of the stadium on Woodward. But it was also due to the increasing party atmosphere that is starting to consume the event. There were a lot of tailgaters there and a lot of the parking lots closed for cars so they could be open for a party.

Bipolar Thoughts

I always take on things in life in an academic way. I always want to read a book about something, or watch a how-to video about something, or interview someone about something, before I ever take it on myself. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. And not only that, but I am a read all the directions all the way through before you start anything guy too. Although I have found that little tip really worthwhile in my life.

I guess I just feel like if I know where something is going, by knowing the ending, then I can better navigate the journey.

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From a very early age I wanted to live in Seattle.

I think I probably first became aware of the city from the show Frasier. And even thought that show didn’t embrace the city the way that Seinfeld did, I was still drawn to the location.

People told me about the short winters and summers and long springs and falls and I loved that. They told me about all the rain and clouds and I loved that. They told me about coffee and beer and fresh fish and grunge rock and I loved it all.

I thought about it my whole childhood. I thought it would be great to live in a big city that wasn’t New York or Chicago big. I thought it would be great to be thousands of miles from my family. I thought it would be great to finally have to purchase an expensive umbrella.

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Bipolar Thoughts

I’m terrified that I passed Bipolar on to my daughter.

It is a thought that consumed me during the pregnancy. It was the biggest reason I ever questioned having kids. And once I knew one was on the way I could not control my thoughts. Every few seconds of down time was instantly converted into pouring over whether or not my daughter would be bipolar.

My mother was diagnosed as bipolar when she was a teenager. I am not sure if that was the proper diagnosis, but she did have something irregular about her personality and mood. She might have had Borderling Personality Disorder which was often diagnosed as Bipolar in the past. Regardless, she had something, and it included depression, and she passed that on to at least me and probably some qualities to my sister as well.

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