Bipolar Thoughts

I got a long way into my life before I realized that I think differently than most people I know.

Now, I don’t mean I think more or less logically, or on a deeper or shallower level, or more or less intently or anything like that. I guess I mean, I think more ‘bipolar’ than other people. Here is what I mean:

Bipolar people have different tendencies in their thoughts than other people.

Some of them are clearly defined: rapid thoughts where you can barely understand the thought before another thought is ramming its way in, extreme thoughts where any bad thing happening in your life leads to suicidal thoughts, and counter-positioned thoughts where one day you want to throw a party with every person you know and the next day you don’t want to ever see another person ever again.

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Bipolar Thoughts

I wrote the follow post on my 30th birthday. I stayed home from work that day because I was so overcome with depression that I could barely get out of bed. Around noon, I was able to peel myself out of bed and I wrote a couple of posts. I did post one of those, but this one seemed too dark, too personal, even then in that darkness.

Not even a couple hours later I would attempt to hang myself with a belt from my bathroom door. I would be hospitalized and receiving electroconvulsive therapy within days. Sadly, this was not the lowest point of my life, but it was very close to it.

I just thought I should offer up that introduction to this piece to sort of frame it appropriately. It is odd looking back on it and seeing how far I was gone back then, and how far I have come so quickly since then. ECT changed my life.

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