I’m sort of catching myself in a weird position where I am not depressed, and I don’t want to die, but at the same time I don’t care if I live and I feel like it would be better if I was gone.
The ECT took away my desire to die, which is great. But the desire to live is something I probably have to fulfill myself, maybe with the help of therapy. It isn’t there. I wouldn’t say that I am suicidal. I don’t think about it or think about how I would do it or have a date in mind or anything. It is just that I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wake up tomorrow.
The feeling I have now is completely disconnected from my suicidal feelings I expressed in a few posts awhile back. I don’t lack the desire to live because of how I feel about myself or my career or my anything like that. I am just not excited to wake up, I don’t feel like I need to be around for anything. I don’t really see a point to it.
Now normally that would be that and I would just have to work out how to attain this desire to live. But there is some pressures coming to mind that I feel like I need to address.