Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionMedicationUncategorized

Just thought I would share a quick mini post from my phone. I know I didn’t post at all this week, it has been a bad week, bad month really. 

So this is the news. I just took a trazadone, lithium, and klonopin. The same concoction I was on before I quit the meds. 

I have been tracking my mood for three weeks on a couple and it is showing a steady low mood witha some serious swings the last couple days. 

I hope to stay on top of this and manage it before it becomes an issue. 

I’ll get into the specifics in another post, but for now, it is 10pm, I took all my pills, that is where I’m at. 

Have a good night!

Bipolar ThoughtsBlogMedicationParenting

I took my sleeping pill, Trazadone, for the first time in months yesterday.

The decision came before Jocelyn had her several meltdowns I mentioned in the last blog. I was actually planning on taking one on the night of her first meltdown. It was one of the first things I told my wife when I got home from work. But alas, Jocelyn had other plans.

The great part: I slept through the night.


Not more than a couple hours ago I found myself lying face down on the living room sofa, face in my hands, crying harder than I have cried in a very long time.

I cried that way for maybe fifteen minutes, but I had just come from my daughter’s bedroom where I had been lying next to her while she slept. I was holding her, kissing her head, and crying then as well.

Tonight was the second consecutive night of extreme tantrums lasting several hours.


I prefer to sleep on my back, and I have been sleeping on my back since high school at least. But I try not to sleep on my back anymore at all, ever.

Part of the reason is that I snore, loudly. And sleeping on your back makes you more prone to snoring. I have purchased a couple retainer like mouth devices that help. I have these plastic tubes that you insert into your nose (that don’t work at all). I try not to drink alcohol before bed, all in an effort to reduce my snoring for the sake of everyone in my household.

Bipolar ThoughtsPersonal RelationshipsSuicide

Monday was my wife’s first day back to work since the birth of my son.

So Monday was also my first day driving both kids home from my parent’s house. And for whatever reason, very surprisingly, the drive home was rather emotional for me.

Maybe it was the realization that this is the last one. I’ll never have another first day of driving my child home from my parent’s house. This one is it. Our family is settled at this point. But to be honest, I wasn’t thinking about my son really at all. I was focused on my daughter.

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I have long held the position that the mind games people like to cite as ways to attain happiness are complete poppy-cock. Maybe they work for some people, and maybe they give a certain level of satisfaction, but they have no effect on any of my serious moods, or my overall perception of life. Do not attempt to fight depression by using guru techniques.

And to be perfectly honest, science is on my side with this one.

Bipolar ThoughtsMedication

There is a building ideology within the mental health community that the approach of life-long medication is outdated. Medications are better utilized in crisis or times of visible active disease. Thankfully, bipolar often expresses itself within cycles, one of those cycles being something like ‘remission’, in other words, where I am right now. However I should note that this ideology is currently not being applied to Bipolar or Schizophrenia. Although with the emergence of non-medication medical treatments like the new forms of ECT, or TMS and even newer technologies about to roll onto the market, we might soon see a dramatic shift away from daily pills as an effective method for treating Bipolar Disorder.

[I should note here that use of a term like ‘remission’ is extremely controversial. There has been a lot of softening on the idea that various mental illnesses are genetic or derived from a chemical imbalance and all that jazz everyone believed was 100% true just 10 years ago. But remission is going the opposite way. 10 years ago you could find several articles pointing to bipolar remission and today virtually none. I can only tell you my experience. I am virtually symptom free, and have been for months. I have days that are up or down similar to a normal cycle but they are very short lived, even if severe. So I understand this is not complete ‘remission’ in the normal sense of the word, but I have no other words to use.]

Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionPersonal Relationships

It is an interesting and difficult and sad part of life when something happens to drive a wedge into a relationship.

The wedge could be driven by a controversial conversation, maybe the usage (abuse) of a substance, disagreement about friends or even dating an enemy, bad habits, who knows. There are a million things that can do it and eventually it usually leads to the demise of the relationship. But until then, it becomes a huge uncomfortable impediment to your relationship.

Making everyone in your life aware that you are Bipolar is like throwing a massive wedge in every relationship you have.

Bipolar ThoughtsSuicide

September is Suicide Prevention Month. And so, here is a bit about gun violence and suicide and mental illness.

If you want to make a serious impact on reducing gun violence deaths, you need to target suicide.

Fun facts about gun suicides!

They are over 90% (some say 95%) effective!

Gun suicide is the most common method, accounting for more deaths than all other methods combined (and this isn’t even counting homicides that most people believe are suicide. For example, suicide rates in African American communities are extremely low, but homicide rates are higher than average. Most experts believe that suicidal people in these communities put themselves into a situation to be murdered as a way out. Similar logic applies to a significant proportion of motor vehicular accidents).