Bipolar ThoughtsBlog

I first published to this blog, well actually it was a different website (wearewhatwepretendtobe.com, which is now defunct) on February 24th, 2015. Not even a week later I moved to my current home and I have posted almost 250 entries, not even including news updates or little tidbits here and there.

I had purchased a computer and started setting up the website and writing essays about a month before I went live. And I only spent about two weeks before that deciding if I should do it.

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Detroit Tigers

Well, we now have season projections from all major sources, and they are pretty interesting, far more interesting than in recent years.

The projection systems out there are ZiPS, PECOTA, and Steamer (although Steamer does not do team projections, only player stats) and USA Today also weighed in had some incredible things to say about what they thought this season would be like.

Here is the real news for Tigers fans: Detroit was listed as 3rd or 4th place in ALL projections, winning somewhere in the range of 80 games. Every single projection listed the same things as the reason: a poor season from an again Victor Martinez, and underwhelming performance by the Starting Rotation, namely a return by Verlander to his numbers of 2014, Zimmerman continuing his decline of the last few years, an oft-injured and ineffective Anibal, basically the 2015 model, a Mike Pelfrey, that is… well… Mike Pelfrey, and a rookie on the back end. They also do not value the depth of guys like Fulmer or Boyd.

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Bipolar Thoughts

I have mentioned several times how I attempted suicide on my 30th birthday and was hospitalized and then had my first ECT just a couple weeks later.

This is the story of how that happened:

The day of the event, my wife came home from work to find me laying on the bed and a belt still dangling from the bathroom door. She freaked out, especially because she saw the belt first and didn’t know where I was. She got in the bed with me and laid there as long as she could (we did have a 15 month old daughter), asking me repeatedly if I needed to call anyone, if I needed to go to the hospital, what she could do to help. I convinced her that I was alright for now, and in the morning I would make an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist.

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Detroit Tigers

MLB is discussing a plan to expand rosters but require that the game roster remains at 25. Basically something similar to what the NHL does, where four or five guys simply don’t dress for the game.

This has been talked about for years as a solution to the September call-up conundrum, where they want to give a look for minor league players but they don’t want to kill the momentum of games with endless pitching changes and lineup moves. But now, they are talking the entire season.

Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that they expand rosters to 29, an additional 4 spots.

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Blog

My mother’s love life was an interesting affair. It always had a strong pull on me, always made me very upset, and led to most, if not all, of the problems in our relationship. The way she treated relationships probably had a profound effect on how I would later go about attaining and maintaining relationships. My fear of hurting people the way my mother hurt me led me to stick in toxic relationships longer than I needed to, and led me to never hop into a casual or short term engagement.

Bipolar Thoughts

The single most common piece of advice you hear when you are depressed is along the lines of “do/think something that would normally make you happy”. It is nonsense because the very description of depression is ‘no longer finding pleasure in pleasurable activities’. And it is even more nonsense because, well, you didn’t think I thought of that already?

But there is an additional wrinkle thrown in that doesn’t get talked about a lot. It is something I bet few of you are aware of. It is something that I have talked at length with many people who suffer from depression about and it is rather common experience for us.

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Blog

When I reached a certain age, probably around 13, I started falling in love with the idea of hating my mom.

It wasn’t a normal adolescent angst-ridden rebellion against a parent. She was hardly in my life at that point, she let me do whatever, say whatever, act however I wanted (she didn’t know how to ‘win’ the divorce, so she went ‘cool mom’ route), so there wasn’t much to rebel against.

She hurt me, and my sister, a lot. She made poor decisions, seemingly impossibly bad decisions. She was manipulative and could be a monster at times. To put it plainly, I wanted her to feel as bad as she had made me feel.

I wanted to make her pay.

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Bipolar Thoughts

I have had a hard time staying on top of my medications lately.

And that is to say, I have not been taking them, on purpose.

I want to be off of them. I don’t think I need them. And if I do need them I would rather die anyway. Who wants to be tied to a couple of tiny pills for decades on end?

I am not convinced they work, which was the subject of my blog entitled “Does This Work?”. It is possible that the Lithium has leveled out my mood, maybe it stabilized my life in ways I will never know. But I have still had ups and downs, more than I ever had before my breakdown a few years ago. So what does that mean? If I am not back at that level, then what am I striving for?

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