Bipolar Thoughts

Am I Happy?

I have been in a really good mood lately. And thankfully it hasn’t been an out of control up, just a really pretty normal happy.

I haven’t written for this blog in several weeks. The last post I wrote was the one during the panic attack, and I still posted that two weeks after I wrote it. So it has been awhile, a long while. And the reason is, I haven’t really had much to say. Talking about Bipolar when you aren’t symptomatic is pretty much like talking about everyday life.

So, normally this is how this goes:

I was having some depression and a lot of anxiety. I cycle up out of that and I go either into a hypomanic state or a mixed state. I don’t generally don’t go straight into a level state.

The big thing about this is suicide, or suicidal ideation.

Curveball right?

People associate suicide with deep depression, and that is perfectly true. Depression will lead you to thinking about the end times more than anything else. But I have always found that mixed states and hypomanic cycles are far more dangerous.

I have written about this before, so I won’t retread that tire here. But suffice it to say that when I cycled straight into a level state, it was surprising. I was dealing with some suicidal ideation during the last depression, not serious, but it was there. And I was expecting it to get worse.

But it didn’t.

I have really felt like I did when I woke up the day after my first ECT treatment. Maybe better than that.

I had the ECT almost a year ago exactly. And I felt amazing for months. I had a few rough nights, I dealt with some suicidal ideation come September, and officially hit the depressed skids come mid-November. That is a pretty good run, I think. My shrink only guaranteed a couple months of level mood.

That depression that began in November stayed around until it drastically shifted to my current level state very quickly a little over a month ago. Four plus months of pretty solid unwavering depression, reaching some crippling lows but otherwise being pretty manageable. But suddenly gone. I didn’t even notice it was leaving. I just noticed it was gone one day. And it has stayed that way, thankfully.

Normally being in this state would almost be worse than being depressed. Why? Because the depression is generally the most stable of my moods. The good mood I am currently experiencing generally doesn’t stick around long. So it scares me to be in it. I could go up, I could go down, I could go both at the same time in a crazy mixed state. All more terrifying than the last.

This is the thing that is so difficult with bipolar. It is hard to just be present where you are. I find myself constantly looking forward in worry.

But that is what I am working on right now. I am trying to remain comfortable in my good mood and not worry about where I am heading.

I am happy!