Bipolar Thoughts

A Sign of Things to Come

So I started having suicidal thoughts starting last Saturday, and today I started having anxiety on my way to work, which is something I was constantly pestered by before my procedure.

I’m not sure what any of it means, but it is concerning to me.

I’ve stated a bunch of times that the ECT worked wonders for me. I am so happy that I did it.

But it has only been a month, and I went through a lot. If I am only going to get a month out of it, then it isn’t worth it. Now, the thoughts have not been serious and just fleeting at best. But the anxiety was pretty serious. I’m no longer being prescribed anxiety medication, so I don’t really know what to do about it. I guess I just have to deal with it and hope that it doesn’t get worse.

The attending doctor told me, and I think I have mentioned it here before, that as a bipolar, the treatment might not have the sustained effects it can have on uni-polar people. He said that I can transition back into bi-polar cycle quickly, but I honestly thought I would be good until Christmas at least.

Other things have been changing as well. My sleep is not as good as it was, and I am having a hard time getting out of bed on some mornings. But I still feel really good, and I have a lot of energy. It is a weird moment I am in right now.

There have been some environmental things that have happened lately that I think is sending me on this course. And if that is true, that is a good thing. Environmentally induced depression is normal, it is most concerning when you cannot trace to a reason for feeling bad, or feeling as bad as you feel.

But I had a major fight with my wife on Saturday about a serious topic. The fight went extremely well and was quickly resolved and things really haven’t been this good in our marriage in a couple years. But having the fight, and being the reason the fight occurred has weighed on me heavily. And that is where the first suicidal thoughts popped up.

Also, a few friends achieved major things in their lives recently and my jealously almost always leads to suicidal thoughts. I always wonder why I am not in the same place and I always tend to think I will never get there and decide to end it.

I’m hoping my current emotional state returns to the happiness I was experiencing just last week quickly. I am hoping that I get several more months, or even years, out of my treatment before I have to go back for more. It is something I will do again if necessary, but only a limited amount. I guess that is one major lesson of living with a mental illness, and it really isn’t much different than living without a mental illness, that things change quickly and something will always be there to throw you off your path.