Bipolar Thoughts

Can’t be Real

Most of the time I feel like I don’t actually have any mental health issues and I have been fooling my doctors and therapists for years.

It could happen. I know enough about the diseases from which I suffer that I could fake all the symptoms, say the right things and get the diagnosis I want. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember if I really felt a certain way or if I read it in a book somewhere. It is hard to guess if I feel how I do because I’m supposed to or because I really do.

It can all be very confusing. And since there is no way to test for Bipolar, unless maybe they chop open my brain, I’ll never know if I really have it.

I guess the thing is that I don’t want it. I don’t want to have this ailment. And my mother seemed to inflate or maybe even straight up lie about things that ailed her and it scares me that I might be doing the same.

I never knew how I thought or felt was different until I was well into my 20’s. I thought everyone had insomnia, depression lasting months on end, and uncontrollable impulses. A doctor told me that was different, and different in a particular diagnosable way.

My doctor now says my bipolar I with psychotic features diagnosis is a slam dunk, and relatively moderate to severe in nature. He says my panic disorder without agoraphobia is without question correct. He says my restless leg syndrome is nothing to worry about, as well as my sleep paralysis, they will go away or be manageable without drug therapy.

So I guess I’m not making it up. But I feel so normal most days. I feel like my symptoms are never as bad as my diagnosis is. I feel relatively healthy most of the time.

It is just the down days that make me feel like they are on to something. And lately I wish they were on to more.