Bipolar ThoughtsSuicide

A lot of people like to mention that suicide is irrational, but I disagree.

I should clarify; I am not saying that it is rational (although I’ll get to that in a bit); I’m saying it doesn’t matter either way.

Is smoking rational? What about eating pizza or drinking pop or shooting heroin? What is really all that rational about a lot of things people do every day. And every one of those things can be rationalized, and often is, by the people who do it. Have you ever successfully gotten a smoker to quit by saying “smoking is irrational”? I doubt it.

Bipolar ThoughtsDepression

I feel like I am getting hollowed out, slowly, by the spoonful.

My chest longs to be filled, and before much more time has passed I will feel the emptiness down to my ankles.

There is a perceivable gap between my organs. My lungs inflate into nothing. My heart pumps blood through a vastness that can be measured in light-years. My belly is low and empty but not wanting.

Bipolar ThoughtsTherapy

Poker is a fascinating game for one reason only: the cards you are dealt are only part of the strategy to winning.

It is true that in all card games, a good player can make a hand play better than it is. However, in poker, you can win with absolutely nothing in your hand, and you can manage to lose with the best hand at the table.

The cards are only part of the story; betting, bluffing, and reading your opponent matter just as much (or maybe even more) than the cards in your hand.

It is certainly true that a good poker player understands the chances of winning with the hand he was dealt. And with certain forms of poker, like Texas Hold’em, they understand in which ways they can be beat and the odds of that happening.

Bipolar ThoughtsTherapy

There is a lot of advice out there that are basically small things you can do that will give your life a little nudge into being healthier.

The internet is full of ‘life hacks’ and quick tip guides and shortcuts to a better life.

The premise is simple: do a handful of these little things and it will have a profound impact on your life. And for some people, it absolutely works.

You ever notice the majority of people wearing a Fitbit are already in good shape? The step counter is a tool that gives a little nudge to people that are already inclined this way, and it can really help. The same goes for organizers and daily planners and daily activity apps and all that stuff.

They tend to only have an impact on people that are already self-motivated in those directions. Few people have the real discipline it takes to completely alter their life.

Bipolar ThoughtsPersonal Relationships

I am of the opinion that going through a mental illness is at least equally difficult for the close family and friends as it is for the person experiencing the illness.

That might sound surprising, but there are a lot of illnesses that are like that, like dementia, for instance.

The reason I say this is because as a person who experiences extreme depression, months long bouts of insomnia, extreme agitation, and severe anxiety, I really don’t have much expectation of where I will be emotionally an hour from now, let alone tomorrow or next week. It isn’t in my nature to remain stable for very long.

Of course, a lot of the people closest to you deal with that uncertainty as well. And the defense mechanism for everyone around is to prepare for the worst. That is how humans deal with stuff. Prepare for the worst and you will at least always be prepared.

Bipolar ThoughtsPersonal History

This is just a short little update. Everyone is busy these next couple weeks so why not keep this short?

I have pretty much eliminated drinking from my life.

I haven’t quit by any means, but I have gotten to the point where I am able to have one or two and stop.

I only drank heavily one day this year, at my best friend’s bachelor party. That’s all, in all of 2017.

There was a time or two in addition to that where I had more than I would allow myself to have now. But I am still proud of that.

Drinking became a pretty difficult thing for me to manage. I realized long before I stopped that the consequences of alcohol were often severe for me. It took me awhile to have the strength to take that knowledge and act on it.

I would never say I had a real problem with alcohol. But I would say that is just isn’t a good choice for me. It was something that often played poorly into my life and I needed greater control of that.

So, for now, it is out, at least any large quantity.

And if I ever feel that I get to a point where I feel out of control with having just one or two, then I will move to limit it more drastically. But so far this year, I think it has gone really well. And I am looking forward to keeping that going throughout the holidays and into next year.

AnxietyBipolar ThoughtsDepressionTherapy

Have you ever listened to people talk about gambling? They would have you believe that cards or chips or coins or chairs have a special voodoo to them. No one seems to question the lunacy of saying that a machine or chair or table is “cold”, as if those things have any kind of determinism over the game you are playing.

It is beyond idiotic.

I have asked people why they believe in things like this, and the response is always something involving luck being tied to an inanimate object. It makes me realize that people are just confused as to how luck works. Of course, since there is a popular term “random luck”, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to find out people don’t understand luck. Random is implied in the term luck itself. You don’t need to add it. There is no such thing as ‘structured’ luck, or ‘relativistic’ luck. Luck is always random, or some people say it never is. Either way, ‘random luck’ makes no sense to say.

The reality about gambling is that as a gambler, there is very little you can do to control winning. And sometimes, there is nothing you can do at all. It is all luck. But people are hesitant to admit this. They refuse to acknowledge that they aren’t winning because the odds of winning are extremely low, and the things you can do to tilt those odds are extremely rare. No, no, no. They are losing because the machine they were on was ‘cold’, or the chair they sat in had bad luck, or the dealer was giving all the cards to someone else, or any number of idiotic things people say.

Bipolar ThoughtsBlogFamilyTherapy

A couple of months ago I was contacted by the genetics company 23 and Me to participate in a genetics study on bipolar.

I have been talking to my wife for almost two years about doing the 23 and Me thing anyway, just because I thought it was pretty cool and wanted to have a more defined outlook on my genetics. Being a science nerd, I just find it interesting. But also, two of my former psychiatrists have done genetics on me and both told me I have an “interesting combination”, at least as it pertains to medication.

But mostly, I just think it is fun and could be pretty eye-opening. For example, my grandmother on my father’s side has a family name of Burns. And she claims that it is an Irish name, despite having a Scottish spelling (the Irish version would be Berns). However, there is a very small Irish village where this particular surname in this spelling derives from. So, if I turn out to be Irish and not Scottish, then I will have a pretty fantastic glimpse into a very specific place in my lineage.

AnxietyBipolar ThoughtsDepression

I hate the term “rock-bottom” and all of the sloppy metaphors that are associated with it.

Here is the problem: you only know where the bottom was in retrospect. When you are at your lowest point, you honestly have no idea how much further down you can go.

So that makes it nothing at all like rock bottom. If you fall in a well, you will know when you hit rock bottom. It is painfully obvious, literally.

I have been at my lowest point ever in my life, many times in my life. I have felt like I could feel no worse than I did at that moment, only to feel worse the very next day, or the next week, or not for several more months.