AnxietyBipolar ThoughtsDepression

I apologize for not being around for awhile. Things have been very busy for me, kids, work, spring things around the house, a big wedding, graduations and birthdays and everything has been crazy.

But another reason is that I have been dealing a lot with some depression and a lot of anxiety. I have missed a good number of days of work. I have felt particularly awful, barely sleeping, eating much less, much more stressed out, and very little ability to relive stress.

As a result, a little over a month ago, for the first time in several months, I took sleeping medication to try to get some sleep.

0 views
AnxietyBipolar ThoughtsDepressionManiaObsessionsPersonal History

I think people might get confused a bit when I say things like “I’m symptom free” or use the word “remission”.

The truth is those things don’t exist. I am never totally ok.

I haven’t experienced the crushing extremes of bipolar in about 10 months. But just a couple days ago I was reminded that exactly a year ago right now I was in a crippling depression and was avoiding people and drinking heavily. And, truth be told, I avoided people and felt depressed at times during this summer as well.

I still have the mood swings, even the extreme ones. I still experience anxiety, insomnia, irritability. I still find my mind racing, or find it difficult to get out of bed.

0 views
Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionMania

I’ve only really had a couple dozen nights of good sleep since early March.

A lot of that has been simply the cessation of my sleeping pill. Insomnia always was, and probably always will be a problem for me. I tend to have a reputation for knowing a lot of trivia, and whenever someone asks me how I know something, I always respond with ‘insomnia’. And it is true! I have spent countless hours going down countless rabbit holes while the sun was asleep.

0 views
Bipolar ThoughtsDepression

I have these small, thin but long, slightly raised white lines on the left side of my chest and torso. There are seven of them. They are barely visible, especially in the winter (then tend to pop more if I have even the slightest tan). I doubt any of you have ever noticed them if you ever happened to see me without a shirt, a situation I am rarely in.

I only ever notice them, or think about them, when I am in the shower. They are very noticeable to the touch. They are quite raised for their diminutive size. It is possible something about the water or soap makes them more perceptible to touch as well.

I got these scars in June, 2013.

I had been off of work since the last week in February. I had been out of the hospital day program I was enrolled in for over a month. I had been alone all day everyday, drinking, abusing pills, struggling to grapple with the whirlwind few months that included a complete break, a serious suicide attempt, hospitalization, and the heavy burden now being placed on my brand new wife.

0 views
Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionMedicationUncategorized

Just thought I would share a quick mini post from my phone. I know I didn’t post at all this week, it has been a bad week, bad month really. 

So this is the news. I just took a trazadone, lithium, and klonopin. The same concoction I was on before I quit the meds. 

I have been tracking my mood for three weeks on a couple and it is showing a steady low mood witha some serious swings the last couple days. 

I hope to stay on top of this and manage it before it becomes an issue. 

I’ll get into the specifics in another post, but for now, it is 10pm, I took all my pills, that is where I’m at. 

Have a good night!

0 views
Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionPersonal Relationships

It is an interesting and difficult and sad part of life when something happens to drive a wedge into a relationship.

The wedge could be driven by a controversial conversation, maybe the usage (abuse) of a substance, disagreement about friends or even dating an enemy, bad habits, who knows. There are a million things that can do it and eventually it usually leads to the demise of the relationship. But until then, it becomes a huge uncomfortable impediment to your relationship.

Making everyone in your life aware that you are Bipolar is like throwing a massive wedge in every relationship you have.

0 views
AnxietyBipolar ThoughtsDepressionManiaPersonal History

So, it has been almost two months since I have posted anything to this website.

For a good part of my time off I was still writing some, but absolutely nothing since my son was born. I’ll get into that later.

For now, this is what you need to know: I am symptom free, including all depression and most anxiety. I am drug free, I am not taking any medication, and I’m also not drinking much. I am not seeing any doctors, not a shrink, not a therapist.

I am doing almost none of the things that I did to work on being healthy. Not eating well or exercising, not sleeping on a good schedule or even much at all, not reading or writing much, not working on anything much at all.

But, I feel perfectly fine. Normal ups and down, nothing serious, barely any anxiety, a good amount of insomnia that I have been constantly dealing with since high school.

0 views
Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionMania

Because I’m free!

So the last week or so has put me in a bit of a free fall with my mood. I’m hesitant to declare things have made a turn for the worse officially.

But I have had a handful of days over the last few weeks where my anxiety has been very bad. But never back to back days, rarely even an entire day.

I have had a couple of depressed days, deep depressions, difficult to move depressions. But it has been sort of one off days. However, I was deeply depressed Friday, mildly on Saturday, not at all on Sunday or Monday, mildly on Tuesday, deeply Wednesday and today. That grouping worries me more than a little.

0 views
Bipolar ThoughtsBlogDepressionFamilyMedication

I wake up four to five times a night. And that is with taking a sleeping pill, Trazadone and sometimes Ambien and Klonopin.

Usually it is to take a piss or grab a drink, my Lithium gives me drymouth and makes me have to pee. Isn’t that a fun game.

But some nights I’m simply uncomfortable in bed. I go lay on the couch and that helps sometimes, but I really desperately crave a space where I am truly comfortable for eight hours a night, without interruption. My snoring doesn’t help. Numerous times my wife rolls me over so I stop.

I guess I crave comfort in everything I do. Who doesn’t? But one of the odd things about this calm that I crave is that it often comes at the expense of my family, my ambitions, and my creativity. In fact, it almost always does. I’m calmer relaxing on the couch than working on something that might get me somewhere. I go to bed early enough that I don’t have to put my daughter down to sleep. I push off all chores and responsibilities until I am too anxious to actually accomplish them. And none of that seems too abnormal, until you talk to me about my fears of leading a meaningless life, of being stuck where I am at forever.

When my daughter was first born I stopped taking my sleeping pill so I could be up with her and feed her during the night. About three months in I talked it over with my wife and went back on my sleeping pill and have been a nighttime zombie since then, leaving her to do all the work. She never complains, just like with just about everything in our lives.

I wish I was more available for my family, instead of the guy who wakes up occasionally go grab a sip of water and take a leak.

0 views