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October 20th. That was the date of my last entry to this blog. Shockingly, this page has actually increased in foot traffic since then, I’m not sure how.

Why haven’t I posted? Well the answer is pretty simple:

  1. I haven’t been writing as much. Life with two kids and a busier work schedule has shrunken my time. Also a couple other things have taken up a good deal of my time I will talk about in a minute.
  2. The things I have written either were not any good, or things you guys don’t typically read much anyway (science and medicine heavy), or extremely dark and I didn’t really want to sparsely put out really dark things. It might give the wrong impression of how I have been feeling.
  3. I’ve been feeling really great! Even my sleep has been pretty normal for the last few weeks, even though sleep is a continual issue for me. I’ve had a handful of rotten stuff happen, hence the dark essays, but I felt great throughout the holidays despite those things.
  4. The election. I don’t really want to get into politics here. But somehow it became and unavoidable thing that all of my essays for the last several months devolved into. I hated it, so I chose not to publish it.
  5. The election. It has consumed most of my brain space. For the last few years, most of my brain space was devoted to mental health stuff. I spent all of my free time reading about mental health stuff and now that time is dedicated to politics. I’m sure there is a good essay in there about my obsessive nature when it comes to diving head long into a topic for months, or years, on end. Maybe I’ll get into that later.
  6. The election. I can only handle putting so much of myself out there for public consumption. And since I have been putting a lot of my political opinions out there, I felt less inclined to put this side of myself on display as well.

So here is the rundown:

The holidays were actually pretty bad for me. It was an odd flip. Normally the holidays are great and I feel terrible, but this year they were terrible and I felt great. Who knows. The issues I did encounter during the holidays almost exclusively centered on family, so don’t expect any big write ups about that.

I have maintained a level or even up mood sustained since March. I am fully off of medication, only occasionally taking some klonopin when anxious, especially when I cannot sleep.

I recently traded some old guitar gear for a new (to me) amp. It is a fun amp to play on and I have retooled my pedal board and I have played on it at least half hour everyday for a couple weeks now. It has been a great source of stress relief.

So, that’s that I guess. I just renewed this website for another year. The middle of February will mark my third year of this endeavor, and I still consider it to be one of the best things I have ever done with my time. Over the holidays a handful of people contacted me with depression and anxiety problems. I have noticed a lot more people willing to discuss there struggles on social media. And I feel like the blogging community is really working to scale down some of the stigma. I’m proud to be even an insignificant part of that.

So I am hoping that this means I am back in the saddle with some stuff I have been working on. Expect the first blog to publish on Wednesday.

Thanks for still being here and I look forward to sharing more with you again.

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Bipolar ThoughtsBlogMedicationParenting

I took my sleeping pill, Trazadone, for the first time in months yesterday.

The decision came before Jocelyn had her several meltdowns I mentioned in the last blog. I was actually planning on taking one on the night of her first meltdown. It was one of the first things I told my wife when I got home from work. But alas, Jocelyn had other plans.

The great part: I slept through the night.

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BlogParenting

Not more than a couple hours ago I found myself lying face down on the living room sofa, face in my hands, crying harder than I have cried in a very long time.

I cried that way for maybe fifteen minutes, but I had just come from my daughter’s bedroom where I had been lying next to her while she slept. I was holding her, kissing her head, and crying then as well.

Tonight was the second consecutive night of extreme tantrums lasting several hours.

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I prefer to sleep on my back, and I have been sleeping on my back since high school at least. But I try not to sleep on my back anymore at all, ever.

Part of the reason is that I snore, loudly. And sleeping on your back makes you more prone to snoring. I have purchased a couple retainer like mouth devices that help. I have these plastic tubes that you insert into your nose (that don’t work at all). I try not to drink alcohol before bed, all in an effort to reduce my snoring for the sake of everyone in my household.

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I wrote this in the middle of July. I never really finished it, which is why I never published it, but I suppose now is an appropriate time. The top half of this is old, the bottom is new, you’ll get it.

As I write this, my wife is 38 weeks pregnant. This is the furthest along she has ever been, since my daughter was born during the 37th week of pregnancy.

The last time around I was pretty much a trainwreck. And we were not prepared at all. Thankfully it happened on a weekend, and just blocks from my house, so it was easy to roll with the punches. But the major difference is that this time around I feel much better. I’m nothing but excited for this baby. I know what it takes to raise an infant. I remember how frustrating and difficult it was but I know I can handle it better now. I am worried about how my current daughter will be, especially since right now we are not good friends. But it will be what it will be. I’m much more laid back this time around.

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In 1996 an album was released that completely redirected the course of my life.

Okay, maybe that is overselling it a bit. But I was 11 years old and starting to really put a lot of my interest into music. Greenday’s Dookie turned me onto masturbation (or at least gave me a name for something I was starting to practice regularly), RATM had me quoting “rally round your family with a pocket full of shells” as an anthem, and the news of Kurt Cobain’s death was the most impactful news story of my life so far.

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Imagine that your life is like the light coming out of a projector.

Sometimes the bulbs are bright or dim, some seem to last forever while other’s lives seem to be cut short early. Some just hum away practically unnoticed, while others are in constant need of attention. The light shines forward, much like our progression through time. And while the light can illuminate many objects, it isn’t really all that interesting to look at.

But, of course, we don’t buy projectors for their ambient light.

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Bipolar ThoughtsBlog

‘It will always been right in the end’

It is something we hear all the time; something we say without thinking. It is meant to be supportive, but is actually terrifying.

It obviously holds little merit. The only definition of the phrase that could offer it meaning would be to say that God makes sure it always ends the way it is supposed to. But even if you were a strict adherent to fate and eschewed all of the tenants of free will, you could ask yourself if it ended well for murder victims, just as an example.

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Bipolar ThoughtsBlog

I first published to this blog, well actually it was a different website (wearewhatwepretendtobe.com, which is now defunct) on February 24th, 2015. Not even a week later I moved to my current home and I have posted almost 250 entries, not even including news updates or little tidbits here and there.

I had purchased a computer and started setting up the website and writing essays about a month before I went live. And I only spent about two weeks before that deciding if I should do it.

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