I’m sort of catching myself in a weird position where I am not depressed, and I don’t want to die, but at the same time I don’t care if I live and I feel like it would be better if I was gone.
The ECT took away my desire to die, which is great. But the desire to live is something I probably have to fulfill myself, maybe with the help of therapy. It isn’t there. I wouldn’t say that I am suicidal. I don’t think about it or think about how I would do it or have a date in mind or anything. It is just that I wouldn’t care if I didn’t wake up tomorrow.
The feeling I have now is completely disconnected from my suicidal feelings I expressed in a few posts awhile back. I don’t lack the desire to live because of how I feel about myself or my career or my anything like that. I am just not excited to wake up, I don’t feel like I need to be around for anything. I don’t really see a point to it.
Now normally that would be that and I would just have to work out how to attain this desire to live. But there is some pressures coming to mind that I feel like I need to address.
First, I am eventually going to kill myself. That is simply how I want to go out. Whether I’m 30 or 93, that is the plan.
Second, if that is the way it happens, then I should probably give my wife as much time as possible to deal with it, move on, and find someone else. She deserves to be happy, and I should give her the best shot at doing that.
Third, if that is the way it happens, then I should do it before my daughter can formulate a memory of me. I experienced the suicide of my step-father when I was young and it was difficult even though I was not close to the man. I don’t want her to be messed up because of me. She deserves better. She deserves to look at my wife’s next man as her father and grow up normal.
Fourth, if that is the way it happens, then why wait? What is the point of living longer just to upset and disappoint and bother more people all while being upset and disappointed and bothered more as well. Just get it over with.
But since I am not really depressed or suicidal, it is difficult to really think intently about it. It is more, mathematical, right now. It makes sense logically, but you have to have the will to do it. I never even had the will to commit to it when I was really depressed, so what can I do about it now?
This issue is more of a cognitive problem then a bipolar one. It does stem from mental illness, but the reason I am so set on suicide is because I have lodged it into my brain as the most appropriate path. It sounds like a power thing, right? I want to control my own death. I want to control my influence on others, I want to control variables that are generally out of the hands of people.
I really have no idea why I am like that. I don’t do this with other things. I am not a power guy. In fact, my wife forces me to be a power guy in our relationship and it took me years to get used to it. But yet, here I am, trying to control my own death as a power play.
There is also a security in feeling suicidal, or at least being depressed enough to be suicidal. I know it, I have felt it, I have dwelled in it for long expanses of time. Something in me longs to be back there, to need a day of curling up under my sheets and crying and shaking in fear. I cannot explain why. I have yet to figure it out, but it is there.
I do feel very seriously that I will commit suicide soon, before my daughter turns three. It feels right. It feels like it makes the most sense. There is no perfect way, of course, but this seems to be the best way.