At a family party recently a cousin of mine and I were talking and I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she is a freshman in high school. She said no and I went on to tell her that when I was in high school, there was very little time that I was single. I was a ‘girlfriend guy’ that always wanted, or maybe needed, to be in a relationship.
She laughed her head off.
She couldn’t believe that, knowing me now in my current state, I was ever any kind of ladie’s man. And while I did not hold up to an incredibly high standard, I did really well for myself.
I told her that I was in a band, that I wasn’t always fat, that in high school I weighed about 140 pounds, that I was considered funny, even a class clown type, and was, at least amongst my friends, cool.
She didn’t believe me no matter what I said so I eventually gave up. But it stuck with me, which is why I’m writing about it now.
The truth is, her laughing just confirms all my worst fears about myself. That I’m not attractive, un-dateable, and not charismatic enough to overcome those two truths. The obvious issue to point out is that I’m nearly 30 and this girl is a freshman in high school. What would she know about what other 30 year olds find attractive? I have a good job, drive a nice car, play an instrument, I am funny and charming and romantic. I feel like I am a catch, and I feel like my dating record proves that.
But upon closer inspection of my dating record it reveals a lot of pot holes. A lot of women have turned me down. A lot of women have looked the other way. A lot of women have evaluated me as not worthwhile.
Some people might ask me why I care about the other sex; I am happily married. That is true. I am not looking for another woman to find me attractive, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want other women to find me attractive.
It is hard to think that my self-perception and the reality of the situation could be so far off, but in this case it looks like it is. I am not the person I thought I was, and I am certainly not the person I thought I was in high school. Hell, maybe I wasn’t even that person back then.