Bipolar Thoughts

Easter Weekend

Easter weekend was a lot of fun this year.

On Good Friday I recorded two episodes of my podcast. We have spent the last month recording additional podcasts so if we need to skip during the summer we can do that and still put out content. It has been fun but challenging to generate content for two hours a week. I think it also fast tracked us to finding our voice and flow and the show is beginning to sound polished before we even touch it in editing. You guys won’t experience that for another month or so but that is how it works. Next week we start recording a single episode per week and while I’m sure my wife will be happy about that, I don’t think either myself or my co-host is looking forward to the turn down.

On Saturday we dyed eggs and did some stuff around the house. Not too much going on.

Sunday was Easter, obviously, and we spent it with my wife’s family. Her grandparents had their annual Easter Egg hunt in the backyard. Jocelyn decided she wanted to throw all of her eggs into her basket so she smashed every single one she picked up. She had fun looking for eggs and finding them, but really, all she wanted to do was run around in the backyard. This was the first time we ever just let her go and run around on the grass before and she loved it. She would fall after every couple of steps and she ate dirt more than once, but that is okay, she loved every minute of it. It was a lot of fun to watch.

Monday was Opening Day and you can read about that experience in another post. Everything went great.

Tuesday I woke up in just a wretched state. I woke up really early and attempted to post our podcast and I couldn’t. Something was wrong and I was too tired to figure it out so I went back to bed. When my alarm went off a couple hours later I felt like I was hamstrung. I couldn’t get out of bed, I could barely move. My wife tried to get me out of bed and I just broke down crying instead.

Sam’s mom had to come pick Jocelyn up because I couldn’t get out of bed to drive her there. I called into work. A lot of suicidal thoughts. I didn’t get out of bed until 1pm. And when I did I just ate lunch and laid down on the couch and watched a movie.

A lot of the time my worst days come after extended periods of good days. Normally though, those good days are manically good. And while I had a good time all weekend it was fairly normal. I’m not sure what to say about my low mood except it happened and sometimes it just happens and that is the way that it goes for me.

I was hoping that this blog, or my journal, or my mood tracker, would really help me understand, and therefore avoid, my depression. And while all three have shed some light on aspects of how I deal with circumstances and what I might need to work on, none of them have solved the puzzle yet. I guess I should get used to the idea that if it is indeed solvable, it will take a long time to do it.

Here’s hoping the next time isn’t so bad.