I recently had a suicide attempt, on my birthday, with a belt and a door jamb. I failed because I couldn’t handle the immense pain associated with this type of activity. I feel like a failure, and a wimp, but I suppose it is a good time to be both of those.
Anyway, the fallout came quickly and harsh. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist and told him about the event. He immediately suggested Electroconvulsive Therapy.
We had talked about it in the past, and we came to the conclusion that if I suffered another major setback that would be the plan. My depression is stubborn, very resistant to drug therapy. And I have made little progress in the last two years.
So now this is the plan, ECT.
I have to have it through Beaumont Royal Oak Hospital, and my doctor tells me that it will be difficult, and possibly impossible for it to happen. I’m not exactly sure why but that is what he told me as he was very upset when I told him what insurance I had.
I have an appointment for an evaluation on Monday to see if I’m qualified for the procedure or not. I’m not sure what results I’m more in favor of. I want the ECT if it works, but I am immensely afraid of it.
I’m obviously worried about the procedure. First, I’ll have to miss a lot of work to have it done. Three days a week for three weeks or so for initial treatment. Although the schedule will be set at this coming meeting hopefully.
What else I’m worried about is the memory loss. It can cause rather severe memory loss, especially short term. As well as causing confusion and disorientation right after the procedure.
But what I’m worried about the most is what it says about me and my disease. It means that things are much worse than I thought. It means my disease is much more out of control then I thought it was. It means that much more serious and severe treatments are needed to help me in my pursuit of health.
I always felt that my disease was not very serious, that it could be easily handled once I figured out how to do that. I always felt that I built it up in my head as much more than it was in reality. And I guess this is confirmation that everything I thought was wrong. That maybe I have a steeper path ahead of me than I once thought, and that maybe the difficult parts are still to come.