Last night I woke up at 2:46am and was very energized.
It is a nightly occurrence that I wake up around 3am to pee. Lithium is a diuretic, but it also gives you dry mouth. Good times.
Anyway, I was wide awake. I got up to pee. I got a glass of water. I went and responded to a couple emails for work. I hopped around Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I did some research on a presidential hopeful. I watched an episode of “Girls” on HBO Go on my phone. I pet my cat after she jumped in my lap.
I finally got tired around 4:15am and so I put everything away and laid down on the couch. As I lowered my foot onto a hairball I thought to myself “shoulda went to bed”. I cleaned up the couch and then went to bed. I didn’t initially because I didn’t want to be awake and rolling around and bother my wife.
So, I laid down and tried to be still. Practically as soon as I laid my head on the pillow suicidal thoughts began to flood in. Everytime I turned away from one another would come from the other direction. They were flying in very fast and it wasn’t long before I felt out of control.
I did everything I could to be still. I did move over to cuddle closer to my wife to get some comfort. I literally gripped my pillow with both hands and I just waited it out.
A solid thirty minutes later and I was sweating and my feet were bopping along to music I couldn’t even hear in my head. My cat again came near me and laid right next to my chest, as if to tell me she was there for me. I wrapped an arm around her and just stared at the ceiling fan as it whirled around.
After an hour of intense and excruciating thought torture my rapidly moving heavily violent suicidal thoughts vanished just as quickly as they appeared and I just rolled over and went to sleep.
I can’t really explain the episode, why it happened, why it ended, what it was about, that is all a mystery to me. But I thought the story would express what it can be like when you read about rapid thoughts or anxiety or suicidal thoughts.
I thought it was a very real story of what bipolar has to offer.
And, by the way, today I feel fine!