I’m not sure if this is a normal thing or not, I know it is a Bipolar thing, but I imagine it is pretty normal as well.
Ever just completely lose interest in something that at one point defined you? And I don’t mean something small, like I used wear this shirt and I haven’t had it on since high school.
I’m sure most people go in cycles. Boy, I haven’t turned on the radio in three months, let’s check it out. But I’m talking about done forever, or at least a very long time.
I haven’t listened to John Coltrane in probably six solid years, and he used to be the only musician I listened to. I used to relate everything in my life to a Coltrane song. I would laugh and cry at his music and it would move something deep inside me. Now? Nothing. Beyond nothing, I can’t even put it on now.
I haven’t played my guitar in so long I forgot what it felt like to have calluses on my fingertips. Sure I play a song or two to my daughter who loves it, but I have not sat down and learned something new. Challenged myself? Out the window. Those days are long over.
How did I let these things out of my life? Music is practically out of my life as I listen to podcasts almost exclusively in my car and at work. And I’m just not sure how it happened.
I’m not lamenting. I’m not sure I care. But there it is, gone anyway, something that used to define who I was.
Do we only get so many things to define ourselves by and once you fill those up you have to subtract to add? Seems like a silly concept from the outset but it takes time to define ourselves and time is finite so maybe too are our definitions.
I do wish I was everything I ever was and ever will be right now, so I would have as much perspective on myself as possible. God knows I need all the help I can get.