AnxietyBipolar ThoughtsDepression

First Night Back

I apologize for not being around for awhile. Things have been very busy for me, kids, work, spring things around the house, a big wedding, graduations and birthdays and everything has been crazy.

But another reason is that I have been dealing a lot with some depression and a lot of anxiety. I have missed a good number of days of work. I have felt particularly awful, barely sleeping, eating much less, much more stressed out, and very little ability to relive stress.

As a result, a little over a month ago, for the first time in several months, I took sleeping medication to try to get some sleep.

Now, I know I have been feeling pretty good for over a year now, but insomnia is really tied to my moods as much as you think. I have been dealing with insomnia that entire time, it has never left me. It feels like, at this point, I will never really have normal sleep ever again.

But I have avoided taking medication for sleep because I have felt pretty good otherwise, so being a bit tired isn’t really a big issue, and being that I have two small children, being tired is just sort of a way of life.

But when the depression came back, lack of sleep can be really debilitating. It tends to deepen depression and it really needs to be pretty closely monitored. And when the anxiety became life altering, the way with which my insomnia expressed itself was kind of disturbing to me. It is one thing to simply be awake finding rabbit holes on the internet. It is another to be shaking and paranoid and vomiting.

So I took some sleep medication.

And I did again the next night.

And the next.

And one more.

And boy did I forget how difficult it can be to wake up when you take that. It didn’t help that I never adjusted my dosage down, so I was taking probably too much as well. But, wow. Hung over without drinking is not as much fun as you might think.

The next week I took some Klonopin to help me sleep. And I have done that once or twice since as well. But generally the last couple of weeks have been pretty much back to normal. The last real experience I had with bad anxiety, the kind that kept me in bed all day long, was on Memorial Day. I went back to bed after breakfast, when anxiety unexpectedly hit me, and stayed there until around 4pm.

The first night back on that medication was a sad one. I hoped that I would be clear of incident for a couple years or something, but I guess I never really know when things will change.