Because I’m free!
So the last week or so has put me in a bit of a free fall with my mood. I’m hesitant to declare things have made a turn for the worse officially.
But I have had a handful of days over the last few weeks where my anxiety has been very bad. But never back to back days, rarely even an entire day.
I have had a couple of depressed days, deep depressions, difficult to move depressions. But it has been sort of one off days. However, I was deeply depressed Friday, mildly on Saturday, not at all on Sunday or Monday, mildly on Tuesday, deeply Wednesday and today. That grouping worries me more than a little.
But the big thing for me has been the relative drop from where I was.
I went from not needing sleep to be exhausted constantly in about two days.
I went from being active to lying around.
I went from virtually no negative thoughts to near constant suicidal ideation.
I went from believing everything will be okay to needed to check out quick.
Depression is always bad, but often times depression sort of walks you into it. Day by day you are a little more depressed but you might not even realize until you wake up not feeling much different from the day before but now unable to roll out of bed.
But this sort of transition period, (and I can’t say for sure what it is right now, a mixed state or just a slide or what) is always the most difficult for me. I just feel out of control. There is zero predictability about where my mood will go. And frankly it is scary and confusing.
These are the times that are the hardest to deal with me. I want to make lots of plans and spend time with people because I feel insecure and I want to feel love. But then I want to cancel all of those plans because I’m exhausted and anxious. On top of that I am much more likely to lose my temper, make rash decision, be flat out mean, and refuse to agree about anything. And it is all coming from fear and a feeling of no control.
I used the idea of a free-fall because that is exactly what it feels like. And once you hit bottom you feel cemented to whatever you are physical sitting or lying on. Like right now I feel like it would require an immense amount of effort to stand out of my chair; more effort than I can muster, more energy than I have.
But the reality is that I am not that depressed right now. So the bottom I am experiencing is more like a plateau on a cliff face. Will I stay here for awhile or will I fall off this one as well?