Growing up I always thought that the goal of life was growing up.
I wouldn’t say I rushed through my childhood or high school or anything of that nature. But I just always looked forward to the day when I was older and had a career and was part of society.
And in the meantime I missed the only thing until now that I’ve been good at and comfortable doing: academia.
I wish I could stay in academia forever. But it is expensive and has diminishing returns for the career field.
The real world is fun for some people, but I don’t find it very stimulating. The types of conversations I like to have are academic in nature. The types of ideas I like to think about are esoteric.
I still read quite a bit, when I have time. But I’m not very good at analysis. I need an instructor for that. I’m not a type to get a college education at a library. Beyond that, my book selections have turned from philosophy and architectural theory to sci-fi and children’s classics.
Growing up has been a big disappointment for me, the biggest in fact. I haven’t been very good at it, I haven’t adapted to it well, and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin as an adult. Most of the time I still feel like a kid, high school age, maybe early 20s. It saddens me when I look back at pictures from those times and I realize how far from that life I really am. I certainly don’t feel this old and bloated.
I miss the days of band practice and hacky sack. I’ve traded them in for wet wipes and diapers.