Bipolar Thoughts


I’ve been having hallucinations lately.

They are minor things. I would describe the feeling mostly like a much more certain form of déjà vu. The only psychosis I have ever experienced is visual. Generally I think something or someone is someplace that they are not. As an example, this morning I was in the bathroom getting ready before work and my daughter was in our living room. She called to get my attention and I look over, talk to her for a bit, and then I saw her walk into the bathroom with me and go right in front of me. But, a split second later I hear her talk in the living room again and I look down and nothing is there. Last week I was outside and I thought I saw my wife walk around the side of the house so I followed after her and called her but she was inside in the kitchen. She had never even been outside.

It probably sounds scarier than it is. These are very quick visions. My memory of them immediate after is fuzzy and the images are darkened. The feeling in my stomach is, like I said, déjà vu. A lot of the visions are just out of the corner of my eye. They feel a lot like waking from a dream suddenly.

The reality of psychosis in bipolars is that it is not common, but common enough to not be concerned if it does show up. The oddity of it is that you can experience it when you are really depressed, or completely manic, either end of the spectrum. And while I’ve never heard of it happening to someone who is hypomanic, this is what appears to be happening to me currently.

This current grouping of psychosis is much more vivid then the previous (and only other) experience. But even still, what I have is extremely low grade, and probably not harmful, just somewhat confusing.

Dangerous psychosis is when you cannot separate reality from hallucinations. I was confused for a second this morning with my daughter, but I understood that she was ALWAYS in the living room and my vision of her walking towards me was not real. It would be serious if I couldn’t tell which version of her was real.

It would also be dangerous if what I was seeing was particularly upsetting, or violent. That doesn’t tend to end well. They like to throw some medications at that one.

But I don’t have violent images, or voices, or anything like that, yet. But it is odd that I am having them right now. I have felt for a couple weeks now that I might be cycling up. I have been sleeping and eating less, I have been productive, sex drive is up, all that stuff. But this is an odd time it seems, and I have such limited experience with it that I am not sure what to make of it.

I guess I just have to ride it out and see how weird it gets.