Bipolar Thoughts

Hapiness Shrugs

I used to believe that God made me this way on purpose, for a myriad of reasons.

First, I believed that God made me this way as punishment for the way I treated my mother when she was still alive.

Then I believed that God made me this way because God only gives problems to those who can handle it and this was a ringing endorsement of how strong I am.

Then I believed that God made me this way to teach and show other people around me compassion and understanding.

Then I believed that God made me this way because he wanted me to suffer, I did not know for what.

And then I believed God had nothing to do with it at all, it was simple biology and happenstance.

The conclusion was simple once you worked out the kinks in the plot lines of the other points. I don’t believe God punishes people for their actions on Earth, and I wasn’t that bad to my mother. I can’t handle the problems that I have now so obviously he didn’t think I could. I have yet to teach a single person about compassion, especially people close to me. And he didn’t want me to suffer because, like the first point, he isn’t in that business anymore.

I don’t believe that I was predestined to have this disease, that it was scripted into my life in some way for some big plot reveal at the right moment. I don’t believe in fate or wills or anything of that nature.

I simply believe that I have this disease because my mother had this disease, or something similar.

It is something like having blue eyes, or being bald. It is just something you have to deal with as a fact about yourself that you can’t change. You might wish with all of your heart that you could change it but you cannot.

Getting over that fact is hard to do. Moving on and taking that first step out of the darkness is scary, but necessary if recovery is ever the goal.

If God really was the reason for my disease then it would make stepping out from under it a much bleaker task. If God wants me this way, maybe I should stay. But knowing that God probably wants me to be happy could really help someone remove themselves from the shadows that bipolar tends to cast.