Life with a kid is hard. And I’m not very good at it.
Just about nightly my daughter wants or needs something vital, like nourishment, which I simply cannot provide.
Even when it comes to play time, I am hardly adequate at giving her what she wants. I feel as if she hates me for this. It is clear she loves her mother more. And when in crowds she will recognize me and warm my heart as she wants to be with me, but it is fleeting at best. I’m just the best of what’s around.
It extends beyond my daughter. This is a feeling I get around a lot of my family, especially my in-laws.
Normally, I’m able to command a room. I’m the funny one, according to my friends, and I’m certainly the loud and vulgar one. I have no problem making my attention known. But at family parties with my in laws I simply cannot do it. I don’t know if it is simply a different dynamic, younger crowd, my anxiety, but I simply melt into the background. And it doesn’t really matter which side of the family I am with. On the one side I am simply ignored by the people I want to relate to the most and on the other I am overshadowed despite having equal if not superior skills to those who woo the crowd. I attribute it to her family being so large; no one commands the room, really. But it is difficult for me to be out of my element.
Work is no different. I have the ability to dominate every conversation but I am rarely asked to join and when I insert myself it feels forced so I refrain. The obvious conclusion is that I’ve dominated too many conversations to be asked to partake, but the reality is that I’ve never gotten the chance, and at this age have learned to tone it down several notches.
At this point I’ll settle for just listening in on interesting conversations.
At the deepest level I just want to cuddle with my daughter every night. But she just wants to be independent, a quality I love in her, even as much as I hate it.