It has been a long time since I felt genuinely excited about a new relationship.
And I don’t mean because I’m married. I mean friendships, workmates, even relationships with music, movies, art.
I get excited about specific things in my life. I was excited to write this blog, and to start my upcoming podcast.
But there are always things in the way. Setting up my new website is proving to be too much to handle. Podcasting services are expensive and so is the equipment.
There are always things in the way to take away from my pure enjoyment of the event.
Depression makes things like that. Makes you feel like you can’t do things, even if they are worthwhile, especially if they are worthwhile.
The goal is to push through those feelings, persevere as they say. But it is easier said than done.
The one thing they always say heals everything is time. But that isn’t true with Bipolar disorder. Time can keep things the same, make them worse, or make them better. You just never know. You can learn about your cycles and triggers, how you are during the seasons or what feelings are induced during the holidays. You can plan for what you think will be something to look out for only to be blindsided by something you might’ve been staring right in the face.
Live music and art installations are the most disheartening to me. If you knew me when I was 20, these were the only two topics on my mind. I couldn’t consume enough. Now it just feels like I’m full and a little bloated.
I’m still hoping that one day the excitement I used to have about things, especially new things, will come back to me. Still hoping to get amped up in a discovery of a world I never knew existed. Maybe I have bogged my mind down with too much negativity. Maybe this creative endeavor will break the levees.