It’s the Small Things

I never really got to that point of ‘sharing my life before you came around’ with my wife.

First off, we met when I was 22 and she was 20. So we didn’t have a whole ton of prior life to share. But before I met her I sure thought I had a lot going on. I was in design school, studying philosophy and art history on my own with my prior girlfriend, in a local band and into the local music scene much less than I thought I was. There was a jazz club on a rooftop in Greektown that my bandmates and I and other college friends would attend every Monday evening in the summers. I would spend a lot of time in the city taking photographs and documenting the state of the architecture and non-architecture. I had just spent some time in Europe taking classes. I would go to several concerts a year and watch dozens of films a week.

None of that life came with me when I started dating my wife. My band broke up; I got out of the local live music scene with it. I was done with school and was ready to be done with academics. Concerts got more expensive and less important to me. We did keep the film thing going, finding it something we had in common.

I have no real idea why any of that changed. I loved that little jazz club. It is probably still in service jamming away on Monday nights with a two drink minimum. I always told my wife I would take her there but I never have. I don’t go on photoshoots even though I got a new great camera last year. But even if I did, I have no idea if she would want to go. Local music can bite it for all I care at this point. I put far too much effort into that scene for a long time for it to matter to me now. I hope in earnest to revisit that scene with my own daughter or son and their own band in a decade and a half.

I went back to school. So I dragged my wife into what that is like for a couple years, but I never shared much because she wouldn’t even feign interest, and frankly, Architectural Theory? I barely understood it, how could she?

I tell her a lot about art projects in Detroit that I’ve seen, or how they renovated the cut a few years back and how we should bike ride down it. Hell, we live fifteen minutes away. And she always says she wants to do it, and I believe her. But we never do, we will never go, she will never experience those things with me.

I think mostly I’m to blame. I’ve experienced it and I’m too lazy to show it to someone else. Partially I doubt her interest level would be higher than tolerated, only increasing my laziness. And partially it is her big family. There is almost always something to do, especially in the summer, and boredom is the reason I discovered half of the things I was into before I met her.

And to be completely fair, she has gone with me to Cliff Bells twice.


  • I’m really enjoying your blog. The Jazz Loft, I think it was $5 to get in, but you got 2 drink tickets. I totally understand when you say “I’ve experienced it and I’m too lazy to show it to someone else”. However, I don’t think lazy is the right word. For me, it can be exhausting and draining to recall the past. It tends to lead to self doubt about decisions long past.

  • Thanks Matt! Good perspective, never thought of it like that and I think you might be right.

  • I find both of your perspectives to be interesting.
    For me, it is a bit different. I have always had a fairly large group of friends, and they did not always overlap. I have always yearned for ALL my friends to enjoy experiences that I have.
    If I am not able or willing to share a past experience it is typically because I tried to share it once, with someone special and found myself wanting. The shared experience didn’t match up with the awesomeness of the first one and I was disappointed or mad about it.
    Sometimes I chose NOT to share it. I don’t want someone to “ruin” it for me! I selfishly feel like “damn it, it was awesome and you are simply not going to get it the way I did so it is mine and it will stay mine” Maybe both of those are wrong but it has been how I felt.
    Recently I have been trying to frame everything I do as a NEW experience, even if I have done it before. That way it is always something that creates a new feeling. It isn’t easy but it’s worth a shot!

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