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Lessons Learned

When I was a kid I was a trouble maker. I would lash out against my family, especially my sister and my father, in uncontrolled and violent ways. This was a pretty common occurrence at the Comer household, and it almost always resulted in the same thing: me, sitting in my room, no access to TV or video games, being forced to think about what I did and what it meant to be punished for it.

I always seemed to come to the same conclusion: that my family was against me, that they refused to listen to my concerns or wants, and that I could not trust them.

Those feelings are hard to shake as you age and to be perfectly honest, they are feelings that in no small way I still harbor to this day. Maybe the point of view has matured a little, but the sentiment is still there. I don’t think they are all against me, but I do feel there is a lack of understanding regarding me. I do still feel that they refuse to listen to me, but I think that is a general problem in my family, no one listens to anyone with any real intention of understanding, solving, or moving forward. I have no reason to believe I cannot trust any of them, but the feeling still lingers there. I often find myself huddled over an idea or feeling, long considering if I should express it to my family. Probably 90% of the time I don’t do it. I’m too afraid of their reactions. Not necessarily how they react to me, but what kind of mood those reactions will put me in for weeks to come while they are able to move on freely and I’m stuck.

When I was a child, I would purposely try to piss my family off. I would do things that I knew would get me in trouble as long as I felt like the punishment was worth the reaction I would get. Most of the time I went for it, and most of the time it was worth it. I was very satisfied with myself when I could upheave an entire household and I got to get away from it all by banishment to my room with my books.

Now I don’t want to piss my family off, but I don’t care if I do. I let them hinder my life enough as it is. I have somewhat underwhelming relationships with them all, excluding my sister, and despite efforts on both sides to improve it, I don’t see it going anywhere.

I suppose the lessons learned as a child really matter in adulthood. I wish I would’ve taken different things away from the lessons being taught to me, but I didn’t. While the anger of my youth has moved on, it has left its mistrust and suspicion behind.

2 comments

  • I did take a break today and read your blog and didn’t necessarily appreciate the comments. It’s very easy for someone to sit down behind a computer and blog their feelings without keeping others’ feelings into account. From the day I met your father, I admired him in how he loved both you and Traci and put the two of you as number one in his life. It’s too bad you don’t seem to recognize the love and support you have been given by the two of us. We have had very real intentions in understanding and trying to solve anything that arises and move forward and not to dwell. It’s you who refuses to move forward with your life. You choose to be stuck. I’d like to see you LIVE your life instead of being JUST STUCK. You only get one chance at life, there are NO redos! I can’t tell you how many times my feelings have been hurt by you, but chose not to say anything to you in fear I would create some sort of turmoil within you. Please know you are not the ONLY one who has feelings. Everyone has some sort of turmoil in their life, but choose to deal with it and move on. NO one has a perfect life.

    So instead of hiding behind a computer, if and when you would like, we can all sit down and discuss face-to-face as far as our lack of support and understanding. No one has hindered your life except for YOU.

  • You seem to remember your childhood differently than I do. Yes we had our moments but you make it sound like they were an everyday occurrence. They weren’t, As for us not understanding you, understanding is a two way street. And I hope you didn’t think we were hindering you when we spent $80k on your college education, spent extra to send you to Europe for a summer to study and all of the other advantages we tried to provide to you through the years. We’re we perfect parents? No! Will you be? Pretty doubtful. I have read all of your blog posts. Most of them are filled with negative thoughts many of them seem to blame others for your unhappy state. All of us walk on eggshells around you fearing that what we might say will send you into a depressive funk. So we tend not to say anything. We simply want the best for you. And we always have. You probably should step back and assess your blessings. That is, if that is not too much of a hindrance!

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