I like me now more than I have ever liked me in the past, except maybe when I was in late high school.
I felt like I was very cool when I was in late high school. In a popular band, had a great girlfriend, had a good job, looked pretty good, and the world in front of me. My friends were the best, and my closest group of friends then is still my closest group of friends now, but we are even better friends now.
But me now, aside from not playing music much anymore, working out of my field I studied in, being really over weight, and a good chunk of my life behind me, is pretty awesome.
I feel more comfortable with myself and my friends and family than ever before. I think having kids really brings that into focus for you. Your time is lessened considerably and you hold close those who are dearest.
I couldn’t have ever written this blog before now.
I could’ve written it in high school but it would’ve been even more self-indulgent.
I could’ve written it in college but it would’ve been even more pretentious.
I had a sports only blog about four years ago and attempted then to blog about my life in a blogspot blog. But my insecurities and inability to open my life up and be honest really dragged down the content to something I didn’t want people to read even if they would bother.
But now, I have things to say, the nerve to say them, and the platform to say them from.
And I like that about me. I like that I don’t mind speaking my mind even if I say things people think I shouldn’t say. I like that I work at this like it is my art-form, because I am trying to get better at it and build something people will care about. I like that being creative in this way is something that has seemed to inspire at least a few people.
And I hope that 10 years from now I look back at the me right now and see how little he really is comparatively, just like I look back a decade and think the same thing.
I have to wonder if this is some kind of permanent condition of humanism, where we believe the state we are currently in is always the best version of ourselves, even if when viewed from a distance it clearly wasn’t. It is hard to see our shortcomings in real time. The weaknesses I know I have, I have tried to lay out in this blog as honestly as possible. But I am sure you all look at me and plainly see things I appear to be ignoring.
Why is that? Why is it so hard to be self-reflective?