Bipolar Thoughts

Nerves of Steel

As you might imagine I am a pretty nervous guy. I guess that is par for the course when you suffer from anxiety, so it doesn’t really surprise me either.

What does surprise me are the types of things that make me nervous.

I think I get nerves from some fairly normal things that most people get nervous about. Things like travel, especially by plane, big deadlines or due dates, whether they are personal or professional, starting new things, things like that I think are fairly reasonable and they don’t bother me when my palms get sweaty and my heart rate increases and I can’t sleep.

Other things I can understand why they make me nervous, but they shouldn’t hamper my life as much as they do. A good example is driving. I hate it. I won’t do it if there is ice on the road and I will very begrudgingly do it if there is snow. I drive a lot for work, hell, I drive a lot just to get to work. And while it has become easier for me since starting this job, bad weather has kept me home “sick” a number of days. I can be a nervous wreck behind the wheel, which only makes me feel less safe. I can be an even worse passenger, just ask my wife.

Some things I have no idea why they make me nervous. I get nervous about cutting the grass. I get really nervous about cooking, and if people are coming over, oh boy. I get nervous anytime anyone asks me to do something for them. I get really nervous starting new projects, especially home improvement. And, as I think I have said in this space before, I get nervous in big groups of people.

I really don’t know what to do about it all. I don’t think it will go away, maybe ever. The weirdest thing is that it didn’t pop up until I was in my 20’s, some of the stuff my late 20’s. I was a very mellow person when I was in high school. Nothing really bothered me, nothing really got me upset. But now I am a ball of nerves at times.

Since my ECT I have experienced dramatically less anxiety in general. They have taken me off of Klonopin, which is for anxiety. And I haven’t needed any that I still have around the house. I have felt nervous at times but it is at a far more workable level than anything before the ECT. They told me this would probably happen, but anxiety is not a guaranteed cure with this treatment.

So now I just sit and wonder when it will come back to the levels it was at before.

It kinda makes me nervous wondering if it will suddenly hit me all at once or gradually build. Guess I can just wait and see.