About a two years ago I had my ECT treatment.
The story leading up to that is simple: I was doing poorly, attempted suicide on my 30th birthday. Went to my shrink the next day and he sent me to the ECT guru of the Beaumont system the following Monday. That afternoon I checked into Beaumont Royal Oak’s psych ward and I would remain there for a week; 5 nights and 6 days.
My very first night there I had an unexpected and very welcomed guest. I believe the very next night I had some members of my immediate family stop by and visit me. I was incredibly nervous about being there. I hate to sleep away from my bed and away from my wife. I often have very horrifying sleep and she is always there to wake me and comfort me when I need it. But now, I was sleeping next to a man in his 90’s that was completely deaf. Any nighttime disturbance would be assuaged by a nurse, possibly. And I doubt he/ she would want to cuddle with me.
I think my family came back another night. I say I think because I’m not positive, but I am pretty sure. You have to understand that I was simultaneously withdrawing from some medications while ramping up on others. Add onto that the fact that I had just had a major psychological disturbance and a suicide attempt, and the added stress of staying in a hospital for the first time, and pending ECT. So, I may get things a little screwed up here, forgive me.
But I am positive of who didn’t stop by to see me.
I am not going to use this space to call anyone out. That isn’t the point of this entry. Those people know who they are but maybe they don’t know how much that hurt me.
Here is the main thing: if I had a heart attack on my birthday, or gotten in a major car accident, or something along those lines, would any of those people not come to see me? I doubt it. I would be absolutely shocked if these people didn’t spend a good amount of time with me in the hospital if I had a major physical problem. But it wasn’t physical, right? So maybe it wasn’t viewed as a big deal? Maybe it was scary? Maybe it wasn’t known how it should be handled or if I wanted visitors or what it would be like?
I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to these questions. I don’t know why these people would sit this one out. But it continues to eat away at me to this day, nearly 700 days later.
Now most people had no idea this was going on, including maybe literally all of you. And others knew I was going into the hospital and it was a decision I made, and I played it off as not a big deal. So, I’m not thinking of these people either. However, some people I did expect to be there, and they weren’t there.
Am I just spitting venom here? I hope not. The people that didn’t come to visit me have shown me vastly different levels of support throughout this whole ordeal, so I cannot make a declarative statement as to the reasoning. I just don’t understand it. And it still hurts me. I would say that it has been a foundation for me to throw up some barriers in these relationships. And I have built on these barriers since. I wish I hadn’t, but I have.
I would be there for these people. I would be there and help them. I would just sit in a room silently with them just to show them that I love them.
And I do love them.
That is what makes it hurts more, I think.