My face has gone numb.
I no longer care about going to work, or being with my child or wife, or even eating a meal.
Everything I do makes me feel terrible, like I am unfit for living.
Every choice I make is wrong. The place where I am at in life is not okay. The relationships I have developed, the ways I interact, they are not what I feel inside.
I look forward to nothing.
All of that sounds like whiney drivel, but it is legitimately how I feel.
I am too fat to enjoy warm weather, too lazy to enjoy cold.
All of my passion has been drained from me as if several years ago a tiny pin prick opened up behind my ear. Occasional gusts of false promise would fill me back up from time to time, but I started to notice how much had gone when I was no longer being filled.
I wish my stepfather had turned his anger on me instead of my family, and hit me so hard it killed me.
I wish one extremely hostile fight I was involved with in my mid-20’s had turned deadly, me being the victim.
I wish I wouldn’t have succumbed to fear during my suicide attempts.
Because all I am now is numb. I don’t matter, and worse yet, nothing matters to me.
I thought for a long time that having children would be the cure, that my desire to watch them grow would stifle any desire to die, but the exact opposite has been true. The need to remove myself from her life is strong, but beyond that, just how terrible I am with her works to prove my lack of worth.
She will need someone much better than me if she has any hope in this world.
I think I have an inability to feel love. People around me tell me they love me, but I feel no different than if I am around my cat. How can that be? The easiest solution is that it is all a lie, I am unlovable.