Bipolar Thoughts

Officially Down

The following essay goes in tandem with the post directly previous to it. Please take the time to read them both.

Well, the ‘no depression’ grace period from the ECT is officially over.

My doctor has put me back on Latuda (for depression), upped my Lithium, and put me back on Klonopin (anxiety). He has also given me his personal cell phone number and did the standard suicide screening. He appears more concerned by my current state then I am. I just want to lie in bed all day. I go back to see him mid-December.

My last ECT was May 4th, giving me well over 6 of the best months of my life in terms of mood. There isn’t much to say about it other than who knows how long this will last. My doctor reacted so quickly and strongly because of how rapidly I can slide into deep depression, he wants to avoid the hospital, me too. But the truth is I feel better today than I did last week. Maybe this is just an up day in the middle of a decline (extremely common), or maybe things have turned a corner. We will find out soon enough.

He also wanted to put me back on Latuda before going back to ECT. ECT is really for extreme circumstances, and if Latuda can level this out, then that is best. I agree with him, although I am extremely ainterested in monthly or bi-monthly ECT as a treatment. It seems every time I get blood work back my liver enzymes are up or my kidney function is down or some other terrifying side effect to taking medication that I am not sure is even helping.

The one part I am not happy about is going back on Latuda. I was on it before, I have been on it a lot, I was on it when I last attempted suicide. I don’t think it works for me. It could be a dosing issue, or an efficacy issue (I don’t tend to take my pills when I eat dinner because they make me nauseous). But he insisted I go back on it because it is the best thing out there, and it has the lowest impact on overall health. Basically what he means is that I have gained 30 pounds since he started treating me a few years ago and that is common for people on the medication I am on and Latuda is the least likely pill of that class (anti-psychotic) to pack on pounds. I guess I appreciate that. Truth is I don’t know if I would rather be depressed or fat.

So that is where things are at for me heading into the holiday season. I’m sure at least partially caused by the holiday season. The holidays have always bothered me and I think I just realized that the holidays are always like check-ins on how your life is going. You see people you don’t see much of the rest of the year. You inevitably talk about work and life and baby and marriage. It is what passes as deep and concerned conversation even though no one wants to know the truth or talk about it. They just want you to say “everything is good! Copacetic!” And all of this bothers me first on a level of just hating annoying bullshit, but it bothers me more in that things really aren’t getting better for me. I hate to go through these motions of lying about it all the time. It is just the worst.

I will be making my last post on Wednesday. And then I am taking a hiatus until after the new year. If I feel particularly inspired I might post, but certainly don’t look for anything. Thanks for reading!