Bipolar Thoughts

Paralyzed

I have had a sudden rush of symptoms pop back into my life suddenly.

My restless leg syndrome has become unbearable. And I have had sleep paralysis a half dozen times in the last couple of weeks.

But most importantly my anxiety is way up, even as my depression is starting to decrease. I’m having several panic attacks a week. I have missed a couple of family events because I was curled up in bed trembling. I can feel a heightened urgency around me, like my adrenaline is up, or something.

My insomnia is very bad lately. I just simply don’t get tired at night, even if I struggle to stay awake throughout the day. If I didn’t take my sleeping pill, I would stay up all night.

I have started very irregularly hearing and seeing things that I cannot tell if they are real or not. They seem real, until I think about it and then they don’t make much sense. My doctor insists that I don’t suffer from psychosis simply because I can identify that it isn’t real. And that is cool, I get that, but then what do you call what I am experiencing? He has no answers.

The timing of the depression going away and the insomnia and agitation and anxiety coming in seems like I might be transitioning into a manic cycle. But these are not my normal manic/ hypomanic symptoms. I don’t have racing thoughts, I’m still eating fine, I’m not super cranky, I’m not flying off the handle, I’m not drinking. But the things I am experiencing are normal manic symptoms.

Am I about to experience a type of mania I have never been through before? Or is this simply not mania coming, just something else?

I hope if you learn anything about living with bipolar from this blog, it is that the worst part is how uncertain tomorrow is.

I have developed a pretty good awareness of how this thing works and yet I have no idea what I am currently experiencing means. I have never experienced this particular set of circumstances before and unfortunately, it is pretty much a crapshoot. I guess that is why they call it a mood disorder, your moods do not follow a recognizable path. I would love to be able to go from A to B reliably, even if B was terrifying. It is when you wake up on M one morning that things really throw you for a loop.