Bipolar Thoughts

Popping Pills

I was feeling a lot of anxiety yesterday. I get anxiety every morning when I go to work. Almost every day I beat it, but not yesterday. I had to pull off onto the shoulder of 696 and just breathe.

I went home and took a klonopin and felt better, but sleepy. As soon as the sleepiness went away I took another and then went to bed. Later that night I was still feeling anxious so I took two more klonpin, as well as two of my wife’s pain pills for her back. I don’t remember anything after that. Apparently I was a disaster getting to bed, walking into walls and stumbling.

My wife had no idea what was happening, and didn’t know what I had done until the next day when I told her. I haven’t done anything like that in a long time. I don’t even know the last time I drank too much. I have been doing well in that regard.

But the anxiety has been mounting, the depression has been looming, and it feels like a storm is brewing.

And yet again, here I am, 13 years into this diagnosis, 3 years into this near constant state of bipolar-ness, and I have no real answers.

Work has been busy and stressful, but not in an overwhelming way, more in a ‘I feel like I’m earning my keep’ way. I don’t mind the extra hours and increased effort. It feels good.

Jocelyn has been pretty good, and she has been close to me lately. I find that my stress levels hinge heavily how my relationship with her is going. She has the power to elate and level me like nothing else in my life. This is something I hope to never tell her, because it is something my mother once told me, and it dealt a crushing blow to an already weakened relationship.

I don’t talk about my marriage on this website, I don’t feel the need or desire to bare those bones here. But suffice it to say that having a toddler and a pregnant wife can be a lot to handle and a lot of stress can be placed on the marriage. Things need to be placed in order and taken care of, and we are trying to figure that out on the fly. It isn’t easy. Unfortunately for my wife, I’ve never made this marriage easy. So while there is stress stemming from this area of my life, I am happy to say that everything is out in the open and being worked on with positive results, as much as either of us know how.

Money is fine, I haven’t had any major purchases or anything. My amazon account is begging me to log back in at this point. But that isn’t a stressor right now.

So I really have no clue where it is coming from. My shrink hates this, by the way. He thinks I really need to understand where these things originate. Meanwhile my therapist tells me that the nature of bipolar is that sometimes there isn’t a jumping off point.

So right now I am trying to deal with the major desire to drink heavily and take a lot of pills. It is a strong enough urge to start, a couple beers a night has become pretty common over the last week or more. And I have been taking a Klonopin or two almost every day for the same length of time. But outside of yesterday, it has never really progressed beyond that. I fall asleep or the urge dies out or whatever. I guess you could say it is under control, but I don’t really feel that way.

My wife keeps pretty good tabs on me when she can, but it is easy to deceive her when I want to. This is the challenge. This is where I have to show growth, improvement. Otherwise the last several years, especially with my ECT, have been for not.