The holiday season took a swing at me this year.
It was easily the most difficult holiday season I can remember dealing with since my parents got divorced and I moved in with my Grandma, back when I was five.
I have no real explanation as to why. Nothing happened that bothered me. In fact, a lot of good things happened to me! Shopping was easy and not stressful. The holidays went well aside from my depression and anxiety. I saw Star Wars. Not much to complain about.
But there I was, finding it difficult to get out of bed most days, and wanting to curl up in bed most nights around seven.
I went back on Latuda, which I was not happy about because it does not seem to do anything for me.
My shrink pretty much ruled out more ECT even though I thought that maintenance was always the plan.
I always get weird around the holidays. I am not comfortable with them. I feel out of place. I am still not comfortable being around my wife’s family, and for what it is worth I am not comfortable around my own.
I got a new script for Klonopin, this time 2mg tablets which are incredible. I love being on these pills. They make all of my problems disappear in about 20 minutes. But I have a hard time not drinking when I am on them and that can be a problem for me.
On December 16th, a Wednesday night, I told my wife I was having anxiety, she handed me the bottle of Klonopin. I had free reign to swallow a handful, probably half a dozen. I had never done this much before and it was pretty incredible. In all honesty, I cannot wait to do it again. I passed out on the couch and I stayed there all night because apparently I wasn’t able to walk to bed. When I awoke my knees were all wobbly still and I could literally feel a delay between my thoughts and my motor skills. I knew I couldn’t drive, especially not my daughter, so I called in sick. It wasn’t until noon before I got off that couch; rough hangover.
At my holiday work party I left early without saying anything and I went to see Star Wars. I left because my anxiety was through the roof. It was so bad that the thought of going home made it worse. I eventually had to tell my wife because my father in law (my boss) asked her where I went. I spent most of the movie jittering around with my legs bouncing, probably bothering the hell out of everyone around me.
Holiday parties with families are changing rapidly, and I don’t like that. I was lectured by my aunt a few days before Christmas about needing to include her and my uncle more in my daughter’s life. To which I simply responded, ‘no’. I don’t play favorites and my wife’s family can be prohibitively large for gatherings. She wouldn’t listen to reason and it made me question why I take time out of my life to see her at all.
Jocelyn got way too many gifts, way too big of gifts and her birthday is looming. I wish I had a big enough house to have all the toys in the world for my daughter and her friends. I wish that we didn’t have to keep toys in storage and rotate things in and out. I wish she could have big toys, but that just isn’t where we are right now, maybe ever.
New Years was fun. My anxiety was maybe worse than I have ever experienced. I was cooking a pork butt, bigger than I had ever smoked before, with new techniques I had never used before, and it came in a couple hours late. Parties always get to me, whether I am hosting or just attending, as long as I am responsible for something, then there is anxiety.
The part that made it bad was that my anxiety got out of control. I promised my wife to cut down on my drinking and drinking more responsibly. And since I was planning on drinking that night, I couldn’t take any klonopin.
I had a rough time staying on top of taking my pills over the break as well. I didn’t want to take my Latuda, I am frustrated by the recent back-tracking and I don’t know if my Lithium does anything for me. My sleeping pills don’t put me to sleep. And of course, not taking the pills probably made things worse. I have seen an increase in my mood over the last week or so, corresponding to taking my pills more regularly. It could be a million other things, but it could also be that.
But besides all of those things I mostly had a good time over the break. I relaxed when I could, saw my best friends and my family often. I wish I had a better mood during it but I feel like I am pulling out now and hopefully it won’t be long before I have pushed this into the rearview.
I survived the first deep depression since my ECT in May, no serious threats or dangerous behavior. I’m glad to see it behind me. I hope it stays there.