Bipolar ThoughtsDepressionMania

The Nights Are Getting Long

I’ve only really had a couple dozen nights of good sleep since early March.

A lot of that has been simply the cessation of my sleeping pill. Insomnia always was, and probably always will be a problem for me. I tend to have a reputation for knowing a lot of trivia, and whenever someone asks me how I know something, I always respond with ‘insomnia’. And it is true! I have spent countless hours going down countless rabbit holes while the sun was asleep.

So this is my typical night right now:

Bed around 11, sometimes it’s 10, but lately it has been closer to 12:30.

Wake up at 1 for a drink or pee, up for half hour.

Wake up at 3 or 4, stay awake for at least two full hours reading the news. Lately, for at least seven months, what I have read about is everything going on with Russia, USA, Syria, and Ukraine. What our NATO implications are, and how countries like Turkey and China factor into a possible war with Russia.

I usually get back in bed between 5 and 6am, usually fall asleep, but sometimes not.

Alarm at 6:35.

For those counting at home that is about 5-6 hours a night. And or someone with two small children, that doesn’t seem crazy. But, I honestly almost never deal with the kids during the night. Only to change sheets full of pee or puke, change a diaper, and extremely occasionally rock a crying baby. My wife handles that stuff. I’ve never asked her to do that, but I’m grateful she does.

No, all my time awake is spent reading shit that I don’t need to know about. But I cannot stop or control it.

So yeah, 5-6 hours isn’t terrible. I’m not complaining about being tired here. I function just fine, and honestly haven’t really noticed the big change in daytime tiredness at all. Ah, I should note here that on my pills my sleep schedule was something like: bed at 9:30, pee a few times, alarm at 7. So I used to get like 8-9.5 hours a night. So it is a big change from what I had grown used to.

But lately, the last week or so, I have really felt it. Oddly enough, I have done nothing to change it. Here, it is 10:22pm, I could’ve gone to bed almost two hours ago. But I didn’t. I have been tinkering on this website and now writing this blog thinking about how tired I am… but not going to bed.

I’m just in that phase in life where there is always something to get done. No matter how much time I spend doing any number of things, the list never seems to get shorter. It is a lot easier to stave off depression this way, in case you were wondering. It is also easy to move a shallow depression into a deep one this way, so tread lightly.

I think I’ll try to lay down now. But of course my infant son just started screaming.

Maybe I’ll just open Google for a few minutes…