Bipolar Thoughts

This Is How It Goes

I’m writing this during a panic attack.

It isn’t exactly low grade, but I am functional during it. Normally I can’t breathe and I curl up in my bed and shake violently.

But right now I can focus and I can write.

To describe what I am feeling, I would say that my chest is tight, I am breathing heavy liked I just got done squatting a very heavy set. But my breathing often switches to short quick breaths that are similar to hyper-ventilating, but not quite to that level.

My head is reeling, although my initial concerns that triggered the event are far from my mind. Now I am worried about surviving this attack. I’m not in great health and I always worry that I might have a heart attack or stroke at any minute. Sometimes, I hope I will.

The trigger to this event was my wife and daughter coming on their way home from a party that I missed because I was having another panic attack right before they left. I was worried about what stories she might share about who said what about me because I wasn’t there. Of course, I didn’t want to be there either, because I was worried what some people might say to do due to the negative response several of them have given me regarding this blog. So it was kind of a chain effect. My current attack was augmented by the thoughts that my daughter might continue not being a good girl today, as her opening peeing on the bathroom floor without regarding was also a catalyst for my earlier attack.

My skin is crawling, and my legs are bouncing like crazy, shaking the table so much it is hard to type. I have a pit in my stomach reminiscent of a serious fight with a loved one. I have heartburn, which may or may not be due to my anxiety. And I am nauseous.

I took a 2mg Klonopin for the anxiety before I started writing and now that I have been writing for the better part of 40 minutes, I can feel the effects settling in.

I am starting to feel mostly tired, but also relaxed. The breathing has normalized, the thoughts are slowed, and actually I care much less about finishing this essay.

I feel very relaxed now, and my eyes are drooping. My typing has slowed and my spelling mistakes have increased. It is safe to say that I am completely done with the anxiety attack and now I am under full control of the Klonopin.

This drug, for all the danger that comes with it and for how careful and controlled I have to be with it, really is a miracle drug for me.

I am going to go now as I am starting to fall asleep sitting here at my computer.

Thanks for reading my first stream of consciousness panic attack!