I’m writing this with one basic goal in mind: balance.
There is a lot of negative content on this site. People who don’t know much about psychology, or people that believe in a certain silly level of self-determinism, love to tell me that my negative content is fueling the disease.
So while I am feeling good, even though it is harder to write interesting content (if it ever is good), I want to write content about that, in the interest of fairness I guess. Or maybe, on the odd chance that the people who believe in magical mood thoughts are right, extending my good mood.
So here it is: for the last couple of weeks I have consistently taken my medication. I haven’t exercised much, because time and my wife’s back are still issues, but I have eaten better. I have gotten 6+ hours of sleep every night, and most nights approaching 8. I haven’t returned to counseling, again a time thing, but I have gotten back into writing more often, as well as researching again.
Work has gone extremely well lately. I have had some great times with friends over the last few weeks. I am in good spirits near always.
It is like I am perfectly mentally healthy; no symptoms at all.
Even beyond my core symptoms, depression or mania, anxiety, that are all gone. I have no secondary symptoms happening either. Not so much restless leg, getting tired or even sleeping without my sleeping pill, no sleep paralysis, no forgetful nature, no hand tremors, nothing. All gone. See ya.
And I couldn’t be happier about this.
When things first turned and I wasn’t publishing much work, I did worry about this website. I have been working so hard for over a year at it. I have a few hundred followers, a couple hundred Facebook likes, and a couple of blogging communities that distribute or publish my work. And all of this was building when this turn happened. So I did worry. But the sparingly few posts I have made since March have all gotten a lot of attention, more than my normal postings to.
And I came to the realization, and only like a week in by the way, I wasn’t really putting much thought into maintaining this website, that this website has done what I set out to accomplish with it. I have raised awareness. I have had great conversations with close friends, long lost friends, and complete strangers about things that were impossible to talk about any other way. And most importantly, it has really allowed me to peer into myself and be critical and productive towards change.
When I wrote things that were hard for you to read, those things were hard for me to write. And even more so, they were hard for me to read as well. But I wanted to be perfectly honest here. I wanted to present the things I went through and thought about, no matter what they were. And having to read those back, when the emotions were gone, was sometimes like reading someone else’s work. It really allowed me to dig into my own bullshit, and my weird psychology about things.
And frankly, it helped a lot. And I know I didn’t need to publish those things to get that benefit. A journal would’ve been enough. But crafting the essay, molding it into a work allowed me to be creative. And having the website made me accountable to writing thoughts down and crafting the essay. It was just a mechanism, but an important one.
But my days are filled with a lot of contentment. Occasionally anxiety fires up, my shrink says that will never end now that I have developed it. But even when I have it, I rarely medicate for it, by choice. I haven’t had a lot to drink since my birthday, and even that was a tame night. I’m not engaging in any bad behavior. I am not doing anything that is a common trigger for me.
And I survived my first spring, my first birthday, without major incident in 4 years!