I have a hard time believing that people care about me, and I have an even harder time trusting them when they say they do.
I don’t know what it is about me but I have always felt that I am of very little concern to anyone around me, including my family and close friends. I honestly feel that maybe three people in my life truly appreciate and love everything I am.
I suppose the only time in my life when I consistently felt needed and loved by a large group of people was in high school. I had three different groups that I really spent a lot of time with and all three of those groups made me feel, in different ways, like I was necessary to the group; like if I wasn’t there it wouldn’t be the same.
I am still very close with a lot of those people. A couple of them have contacted me again once this website went up. I guess I forced my way back into their life somehow. But it is different now. I don’t expect, nor do I want, it to be the same. Life is different. Now I have my own family that fills me with more love than I ever received from any group I was in.
But I guess I just liked the sheer numbers of people that really mattered to me. Actually, I suppose that is a wrong way to turn that phrase. Most of those people still matter to me just as much as they ever did, either I don’t matter to them or life matters more to each of us now.
I like to be important. I like to be respected. I like to matter in people’s lives. I guess that is another purpose of this blog, to become more deeply entrenched in all of your lives, to find new lives to entrench myself into.
Maybe I’m just searching to feel connected the way I was in high school. I certainly hate to think I will never feel that way again.
If there is anything my wife’s family has taught me is that it is easy to be lost in the crowd. And if there is anything my own family has taught me is that it is easy to take someone for granted. I want to find a middle ground for my own life. One kinda like I had in high school.