I turn 30 today and the last couple weeks have not been a good experience for me thus far.
30 seems old. Much older than me. How could I possibly be that old?
I think I have posted in this space before that I feel like I’m still in high school, maybe 20 years old. That is a long way from 30. The funny thing is that I never felt I was younger than I was until I was probably 24. When I was in college I didn’t feel like I was still in high school. When I was in high school I was never shocked by what year I was in.
I remember the first time I got caught in thinking I was younger than I was. I was working for an architecture firm on some high school renovations. And I was sent to the high school almost every day for several weeks to measure stuff and inventory stuff and take pictures, etc. And I was there during school hours during the school year. In other words, class was in session while I was there measuring and indexing and photoing.
And I would try to talk to or joke with the students and they did not want anything to do with me. I felt young. I was probably 23 or 24 years old. But in a land where 16 is median age, 24 is 50% older! I was ancient to these kids. I was fat and starting to bald (this was also the job I first noticed I was bald as someone I was working with photographed me from behind and I saw a little monkey butt for the first time. I was devastated) and just way too old to connect to these kids. They probably had a teacher or two younger than me. And I have felt like a young man in an old man’s body ever since.
I remember when my sister turned 30 a couple years ago and I thought her life would change dramatically. It didn’t. I still forget she is over 30 all the time. Hopefully, and most likely, that will be the case for me as well. Nothing will change and I will still feel 20 anyway.
But inside I am just really terrified at the prospect of no longer being in my 20’s. Like I haven’t accomplished enough, haven’t saved enough money, haven’t figured enough stuff out, haven’t established myself enough in my career, haven’t done enough, haven’t travelled enough, haven’t made enough mistakes.
I guess none of that matters. Today I am 30 no matter how I feel about it. Life isn’t a thing that stops and waits for you to be okay with everything before it moves on. It is a train pulling away from you as you chase after it.
I wonder if I’ll ever get on board.