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I took my sleeping pill, Trazadone, for the first time in months yesterday.

The decision came before Jocelyn had her several meltdowns I mentioned in the last blog. I was actually planning on taking one on the night of her first meltdown. It was one of the first things I told my wife when I got home from work. But alas, Jocelyn had other plans.

The great part: I slept through the night.

I woke up to pee once, around 2:30am. But I was asleep as soon as I laid down. It felt really good to be able to go back to sleep so quickly. I have had a difficult time getting to sleep and staying there since mid-March.

The not-great part: I woke up just as drowsy as if I had gotten my usual 5 hours of sleep even though I got 8. I was less tired come afternoon, so there was an improvement. But I felt just as awful in the morning as always. I don’t think my body is built to wake up to an alarm, regardless of how much sleep I get the night before.

I might take another tonight, but it is already midnight, and I’m plenty tired anyway. It is likely that I am up with Jocelyn around 6am, so do I risk taking it? Plus, you never know what might happen in the middle of the night. It is fairly common for Jocelyn to wet the bed, or my wife to ask me to grab something, or who knows what else.

I should also note that the day I told my wife I was going to take my sleeping pill, the first day of Jocelyn meltdowns, I was feeling low in terms of mood. I had been for a couple days. I thought a good night sleep would help. My mood only got worse through the tantrum filled next two days, and my sleep almost disappeared. So when I finally did take my pill, I was feeling pretty bad.

That feeling didn’t leave me today.

So maybe I do need a couple nights of sleep. Or maybe I need to pay attention to my mood to see if a shift is coming. I’m not sure.

But I have gotten back into my mood tracking apps. I am writing again as you can tell. And I’m back to taking pills. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something.