Bipolar Thoughts

Who Cares Who Sees What’s at Night

I don’t get to stay up too late too much anymore.

9:45 and I’m checked out on most nights. It is threefold in nature. First, I have to be up somewhat early for my almost hour long commute to work most days, but really that is the least of the reasons. Second, I have a daughter that gets up even before I have to get up for work, but my wife generally deals with her so this also is not a big ordeal for me. Third, and obviously most important, are my pills. I take a sleeping pill that makes me feel hungover if I don’t get enough sleep. On top of that I take three other pills that all make me drowsy. I generally take these around 9:30, and I’m zonked in a quarter hour.

On nights I want to stay up later I simply don’t take my sleeping pill and wade through the drowsiness of the others until it wears off.

But then I generally have another issue that messes with my sleep. Usually, on days I don’t want to sleep early are party days. And party days make me extremely anxious. So much so that I have to take a few milligrams of Klonopin. Once I imbibe on some alcohol the Klonopin in my system just shuts me down and I have to sleep. The drunkest I ever felt was one day where I had six milligrams of Klonopin and one scotch. This shit is serious. I used to think I could man up and tough my way through a Klonopin an alcohol combination but it always got the better of me. Never try it.

The sad part now is that it is very hard for me to enjoy myself in a large social setting. I have to be on Klonopin or alcohol, but not both.

If you see me out at night at a party, I’m probably not enjoying myself as much as it seems.