Sometimes it is hard for me to contain my jealousy when my peers are doing better than I am.
It is never really directed at them; most of the time I am sincerely happy for them. But there is always a slight twinge of ‘why not me’ that goes through my mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I live in a nice house. But it is old and small.
I drive a nice car, but it is a company car and my wife’s car needs to be replaced.
I own just about everything I could want, but nothing very valuable.
And it seems like all of my friends and family have bigger, nicer, more expensive stuff then me. It makes me feel like a waste, to be perfectly honest. I feel like a waste because I know that I am as intelligent and as talented as most or even all of those people.
So what happened?
Well, for starters, I went to school for something that requires a lot of expensive schooling but doesn’t pay very well. Then, I had a hard time finding a job and got laid of twice. Eventually I changed fields and had to start my professional life from scratch.
Second, I’ve been hospitalized twice and been off work for both of those occasions, obviously, and I racked up large medical bills without much income to pay them off. Combine this with not finding work and being laid off from work I did manage to hold down, and debt piles up.
Third, I’ve been known to spend some money. It is one of the major signs that I am manic-y. When those times come I simply cannot control it. I will go spend $500 on a new wardrobe, or buy 5 or 6 things off of my amazon wishlist, or buy a new laptop and start a blog for no reason.
I wish these feelings didn’t come spewing out of me like Mount St. Helens every time a friend accomplishes something but I don’t really know what to do about it. It always ends up leaving me with a feeling of inadequacy.
I’m constantly struck by how much of life I am failing to do with any level of competency. I feel like I can barely keep things together the way they are now, let alone achieve some higher level of existence at some point in the future.
I feel like there is a lot of untapped potential in me. Maybe it is all gone now, I really have no idea. But I do know that I feel like things should’ve been better for me by now. I feel like I’m flailing around in mediocrity with no real idea how to improve.
At least I have a house I can live in, even if I don’t want to. I live in the neighborhood I want to be in for the rest of my life. And I have a steady job that probably won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. I should be on the precipice of going somewhere. But I have felt this way before, I don’t have faith in it now.